Podunkmer
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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**This thread has been picked as a Legacy post and will be preserved in our SC sticky thread. This Post will be unlocked, bumped, and re-locked on the 30th of every month to ensure its' long life.  **
In the spirit of a good troll about the follies of youth, I am going to post this little account that I'm writing up for a friend. Most of it is true, but I reserve the right to embellish. Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the guilty, the smart, and the stupid.
Post anything you want on the thread...I don't care...star farm until your heart is content...it's 4:30pm and work is BORING!
---------------------------------------------
(Forewarning: You are going to experience a bit of American and Mormon culture in this story, as it is somewhat intertwined and crucial to the plot. I'll try to be as clear as possible, though.)
Disclaimer: I was not quite 17 years old when all this happened. I think that's really the only disclaimer necessary. She was about 16.
Part I - The First Encounter
I am at the church one Wednesday evening, helping my mother with some filing and whatnot related to her position at the time of choir director. Wednesday also happened to be Youth Activities night, and things were just finishing up, with the standard mess of people mulling every which way, pickup games of volleyball and basketball forming, etc.
The filing closets are located right next to the bishop's (director of a congregation of approximately 200-500 people) office, so I am conveniently located when his door opens and out walks the bishop with a middle-aged man and a young blonde girl. The bishop sees my mother and I and introduces them.
"Clark, I would like you to meet Emily McBael'Zharon and her father (can't remember his first name). Would you mind showing Emily around for a moment and introducing her to some of the other youth?"
"Sure," says I, wholly ignorant of the very small snowball which had just been ever so slightly rolled off the top of a VERY big mountain...
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Dyln
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HEHE, GO PODDY GO PODDY!
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-Spliedel_Po-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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*waits for part 2*
Now that my release is out...work is boring 
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GOP logic:Wage two wars,deregulate into economic collapse,
give deficit causing tax breaks to bazillionaires, then claim we're in fiscal crisis due to too much spending
and we need seniors to give up medicare to pay for it (+ more tax cuts 4the rich)
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-Juju-
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so...you had sex with her?
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<~~Raz |\__  <~~n00bs / | ^ Razalus - Level 241 All of our memories are just a thought away
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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LOL, we're getting there Juju...ever so slowly.
--------------------------------------------
Part II - The First Encounter Now in Full Swing, Time for Some First Impressions...
Physical - Emily stood almost as tall as me, which was around 5' 10" at the time, I think. She was neither petite nor fat, but could be considered large as far as girls go. She clearly outweighed my paltry 140 pound frame.
Her hair was a very nice blonde color, cut to just above shoulder length, and hung straight. She had a prominent nose and chin, and wore dark eye makeup (or had dark eyes) perhaps, as she seemed to me to project an "imposing" image, if that is the proper term.
She walked stiffly, with a bit of a "swagger" due to the fact that she turned her feet outward with each step. Her eyes seemed to wander from place to place, too.
All in all, a bit too much woman for little Clark, sizewise. While the hair was nice, the face just didn't "do it" for me. Besides, my heart at the time belonged to an errant angel on Earth that most people mistook for a girl named Angelica...her story only briefly intersects this one, so I will leave her be for the moment.
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{old}Lyar
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Clark?
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Podunkmer
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Yes, this story is partly told in first person, partly in 3rd person. Clark is the narrator, so to speak. You can assume that is me, if you like.
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_KidKodiak
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w00t, keep up the good work for the rest of us bored workers!!
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Taranis al'Sidhe -- Battle Mage Extraordinare Monarch of The Family Reborn Time to fight crime in tight leather outfits! -- Mistress Shay Its all about the CliKKâ„¢  ~*~ Now accepting virgin sacrifices ~*~
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#remerged#_-Agio-
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Nice writing Podunkmer.
May I suggest less adverbs- the "ly" ones in particular. Try it out, story will flow nicer.
Not a flame, not a flame, not a flame.
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
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Part III - Her Mouth Opens; I Leave.
"You're from Whoville your dad said?"
[Ed: This is happening in a quaint little suburb of Whattown, some 4 hours north of Whoville.]
"Yeah."
"Cool. Been there a few times. Okay, I think some of the other girls went into the gym over this way for some volleyball."
[Some of the larger Mormon churches have multipurpose rooms that can be used for basketball, volleyball, and will have a stage on the side for plays, etc. Yeah I know it's a little weird. ]
"Oh, I'm not interested in girls."
???
To this day I'm not 100% sure exactly what she said, but it was definitely something along those lines. I didn't have time to clarify, as we then ran into Jack Jackson in the hall.
Jack was an attractive and popular young man who had recently begun frequenting our youth activities because of Jill, his girlfriend. Jill was not to be seen at the moment.
"Oh hey! Emily, this is Jack Jackson. Jack, this is Emily. Hey Jack, I've got to head home with my mother, can you introduce Emily to a few people?"
I suppose I didn't really wait for a yes or no, because my mom was now walking out the door (little did she know her auctions prevented what could have been certain death for me), and there I left them, Emily and Jack, standing rather awkwardly there in the hall...
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{old}-ToiletDuk-
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I'd have to say, of all the things you can put cheez whiz on, ritz crackers are the best. Triscuits would be in the top 10, but due to the abraisiveness they can't be eaten comfortably in large quantities. Also up towards the top would be cheez-its. The main problem there is the overabundance of cheeziness.
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-Juju-
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i must agree with you toiletduk...
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<~~Raz |\__ <~~n00bs / | ^ Razalus - Level 241 All of our memories are just a thought away
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
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[Editor: The events in the next few portions of the story were revealed piecemeal after the fact by various involved persons, most notably "Benito" who was my brother's good friend, and was most recently roomates with my brother and I for a year and a half at college, now one of my best friends and most trustworthy in his account. The other part of the story was revealed by "Mary Jane," whose part and background is revealed in this episode.]
Part IV - Strike; Counterstrike.
As Clark turned his back and headed out the door with his mother, a somewhat unsure Jack proceeded with Emily to the room where the young women aged 16-18 of the congregation had finished up their evening's activities of socializing and education of various sorts.
The director of their activites at the time was Mary Jane, a woman in her mid-40's with a terrific smile, a terrific sense of humor, and a knack for telling it like it is. It's difficult to really explain Mary Jane, but suffice it to say that knowing Mary Jane, you would expect her to act exactly as she acts in this situation.
Jack and Emily came in the room as various other people are milling around doing whatnot, and Jack walked up and presented Emily to Mary Jane. The conversation that transpired between Jack and Emily up to this point is shrouded in mystery, but the discerning reader can assume certain things from context. Mary Jane relates:
"Jack walked up to me and said, 'Mary Jane, I'd like you to meet Emily, she's new here.'
"At this point Emily said, 'Yeah, Jack is going to take me out and show me all around town.'
"Well from the look on poor Jack's face I could tell that was the first he had heard of this. So I said, 'Oh, that will be fun for you and Jill.'
"It was then Emily's turn for facial gymnastics. 'Jill? Who's Jill?'
"In as cheery and oh-you-didn't-know-that-? tone as I could, I replied, 'His girlfriend, of course!'
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eumenides_needs_ign_merge$$$
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what? creative work on the message board?
that is unheard of!!
*GasP*
where are are my auctions and flames!
how dare you waist idle space with your
(makes annoying quoation marks with hands)
Creative work
(end quotes)
bump for something out of the ordinary
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Podunkmer
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ROFL eumenides...I'll try to work some ranting in for you ok?
--------------------------------------------
Part V - Huh? Ummm... Whatever.
We transition now to Benito's narration. Benito and Juan arrived at the meeting house after the regularly scheduled activites (both working full-time jobs that summer after graduation to fund upcoming college tuition) for some volleyball. While making the tour to gather participants, they passed through one room to find Jack and Emily. Jack seemed eager to speak with them for some reason.
"Hey guys, this is Emily. Show her around a bit, would you? I've got to go."
Jack took his leave, or in the exact words of Benito, "escaped," leaving Emily standing before Juan and Benito. Pleasantries and introductions were exchanged, immediately after which Emily tried a second time to snare an unsuspecting young man.
"So, which of you is gonna take me out this weekend and show me around?"
Those of you who remember the popular MTV animated program "Beavis and Butthead" are familiar enough with the proper pronunciation of their response (which was humorously enough exactly the same from both, at the same time). Others will just have to do their best to imagine.
"Uhhhh, huh ... huh ... no."
"Why not?"
"Um, maybe because I don't even know you?" Juan retorted.
This was obviously too great an intellectual challenge for Emily (in future episodes we will learn more of her prowess in interpersonal relations and debate), so she resorted to more devious tactics.
She grabbed Juan's ball.
Volleyball that is. Snatched it right out of his hands, she did. Sly as a fox she was not, but strike like a serpent she could.
"I'm not gonna give this back until you agree to take me out on a date!"
Benito indicates that there was a brief moment of tense anticipation, one of those situations where if a quantum physicist were in the room he would jump off his chair and scramble to fire up various bits of machinery and recording devices in a desperate attempt to obtain scientific proof of the commonly held notion that the linear progression of time as humans know it can actually stop.
The universe folded over upon itself and turned inside out, and for a brief moment all matter and energy temporarily ceased to exist, then recreated itself in the same instant. This effect has since been named the Emily Effect. Though observations have been limited (I will be sure to indicate them as we encounter them in the future), it is conjectured that an "Emily Moment" also briefly occured during Part IV at the moment the unfortunate Jack realized the force with which he was dealing. Authoritative sources posit that in that instance, the stability of the then-present Mary Jane Matrix was able to prevent any permanent damage to the observers, causing the EmilEnergy created by the Emily Effect to be absorbed by the Vortex of Tactlessness, which is theorized to be the entity which Emily uses instead of a soul.
But I digress.
As the Emily Moment passed (not the appropriate term, as it implies passage of time, whereas when under the Emily Effect observers experience both an eternity and an instant in the same perception), Juan did what any God- and Woman-fearing man would do:
He left.
Without another word, he turned and walked out of the room. Since Mary Jane was not present, this instance is clearly proof that the Mary Jane Matrix actually exists at all times, and is not a function of her power, but is perhaps accessed in a certain way by individuals under the influence of the Emily Effect.
In the attitude of returning to a more narrative approach, I will leave the reader to further introspection on the Emily Effect himself, and simply note the instances where it rears its Space-Time-Confounding head again in the future.
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{old}Garwin44
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[moderated] come on, i stopped playing ac to read this, damn you've hooked me, whats next huh huh!!!!
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Podunkmer
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LOL, okay, but I'm leaving work after this one...maybe.
--------------------------------------------
Part VI - Universe in Peril
As the EmilEnergy disappeared from existence into the Vortex of Tactlessness, Emily turned to Benito without skipping a beat.
"So, what about you?"
Benito is the kind of person that you can't hate, unless you happen to be a raving mad lunatic. He's just plain nice. Incredibly intelligent, too. Benito actually radiates pure Tact Essence himself, so the interaction of these to beings risked dangerous cosmic consequences.
"Well, I don't know. I work full-time, get home at 7pm, eat dinner, and usually just go to bed because I'm so tired."
"So what about this Friday, then?"
At this point our reader can easily see that not only was Emily deprived of soul and tact, but also lacked cognitive language interpretation skills.
"Uhh, probably not. Like I said, I'm usually exhausted by the end of the day."
"Come on, why not?"
"Well, I'm not much into dating right now."
"That's not a good enough reason."
This is often the response elicited from someone when a perfectly good reason is stated and they have no actual counterpoint.
"Well, the volleyball is going to get started. Can I have the ball?"
In a surprising denouement, Emily relented and gave him the ball. Scholars all agree that this action alone averted possible destruction of the entire Whattown greater metropolitan area, as the amount of Tact and Anti-Tact building up would have surely reached critical mass in a few more moments.
Benito took the ball, proceeded to the gymnasium, and enjoyed the rest of the evening. As to what Emily did next, no source can provide exact details, but the next episode reveals the extent of her persistence.
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Grey_Mouse
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/e thinks that she better get the new episodes before anyone else or there'll be BITING involved.
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Battle Mouse Mouse Hegemony Ruler.
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Podunkmer
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You know you will, Mousie.
--------------------------
Part VII - Restraining Order.
Benito returned home from his summer internship at the ad agency and enjoyed his mother's cooking in the comfortable confines of their upper-class home, furnished by his father's manager salary at a large accounting firm.
After a brief dip in the pool to relax himself after the hour-long commute in rush-hour traffic in the 110 degree New Floritexabama June heat, he settled down to a bit of mental vegetation in front of the television.
The phone rang.
"Benito, it's for you."
"Hello?"
"Hi, this is Emily!"
"Emily?"
"Yeah, from last night at church."
To this day, Benito does not know who gave her his phone number, but his petition to have them put on the FBI's 10 Most Wanted list is still bogged down in bureaucratic filibustering.
"Oh, yes, I remember you."
"So hey, does tomorrow night work for you?"
The Emily Effect, being independent of time and space, can actually reach you before the sound waves from her lips reach your ear and are interpreted by your brain. However, being out of her direct presence dullens somewhat the general discomfort experienced.
"To do what?"
Playing stupid sometimes works on stupid people, Benito hoped.
"Go out, you know. Show me all the spots and stuff."
"Ok, I don't know if I was clear last night, but I'm not much for dating right now. I leave the house at 7am and get home at 7pm, and I'm never in the mood to go out."
"Aww come on."
Benito said that he thought she thought he was making up excuses and being deceptive, so the only way out would be to do just that, make up excuses and be deceptive. Perhaps she would mistake it for truth.
"Well, tomorrow won't work for me, but maybe we can do something another weekend, ok?"
Being a man, Benito has received this excuse countless times from the women he has asked out, and he knows as well as everyone does that it is complete and utter lies. However, it seemed to work in this case, because he managed to rid himself of her interest from that point on.
But when her quarry escapes, the serpent seeks out another.
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{old}Garwin44
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ack more more damn it!
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Verminaard001_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Tag, interesting read. lol
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Dyln
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I like Cheez-its best, but at times I notice inconsistencies from box to box. Nabisco's quality assurance on this fine cheesy product is piss poor. One box will be cheesy and salty while another that tastes more like the cardboard box they come in.
I think I'll defect to Cheese Nips.
Thanks for assisting me in this difficult transition Poddy.
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ht_swift
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This story kicks ass bump it
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{old}Garwin44
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come on more story damn it!
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Grey_Mouse
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I will just say that I have read up to chapter 14. The story only gets better
No, you cannot bribe me with shards to post you the chapters you are missing.
Though bribes of cheese will be considered
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Podunkmer
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ROFL, umm, okay, you get another episode...gimme a few minutes
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Six_Phantoms
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All this talk! Can't we just get to the sex dammit?!
Hehe, really though. It's very creative. Two bandit daggers way up for you!
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Grey_Mouse
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If you are reading this for the sordid sexual details, you might want to stop reading to avoid disapointment
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Podunkmer
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Well, Mouse, you've only gotten through Part 14 yourself.
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Grey_Mouse
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*GASP*
Wait'll I tell Laris and Ivy!!!!
SCANDAL
HURRY UP AND POST ME THE NEXT CHAPTER!
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Battle Mouse Mouse Hegemony Ruler.
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-Trivial-
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Yeah, c'mon, let's hear s'more already.
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vn_the_executioner
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tag for later
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Podunkmer
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LOL, I had forgotten that this is what Part VIII really was...
--------------------------------------------
Part VIII - A Silence.
In the spirit of the two-and-a-half week silence that occured after the initial Wednesday night and the next installment, this episode is rather uneventful.
The End.
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{old}Garwin44
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ack more damn it more!!!!!!!!
hehe j/k
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Tadesha_
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Tag.
And what's this??? That nasty stinkin old rat  gets preview copies and I don't???
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ht_swift
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Is that all too come? Is that the end of your writings? Or is there more to the story?
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Grey_Mouse
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Bite me Tad!
I get previews of this because I had to extract it from Poddy over the last 3 weeks!
You lucky buggers get 8 chapters in one day whereas I had to wait 10 days!
Yes, there is more to come and it is good.
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-Trivial-
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What a tease.
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Podunkmer
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Part IX - A Sunny Summer Day
We move forward approximately two and a half weeks through the blistering heat of summer in a Wyoreginia June. Our intrepid hero, Clark, heads out on a bike ride with his younger sister, Laura, age 14. Their purpose is to pass by the moving sale of some family friends in another neighborhood (that they knew from church). After having visited with the departing family, the duo heads home. We now join them as they pedal along the calm streets of suburbia.
"I'm going to miss the Smiths."
"Yeah, we won't be able to swim in their pool anymore, hee hee."
[A cry is heard from behind.]
"What? Who is that?"
We come to a stop and I turn and look at the blonde-haired girl and the younger (about 10 years old) girl coming towards us, making a vigorous effort at getting our attention.
"Oh, hey, I met her at church a few weeks ago, they just moved in. That must be her younger sister."
Indeed, it was Emily and her sister. After some brief introductions, we decided to go meet the family back at the lair...err, house.
I should indicate that at this point, I had no knowledge at the time of anything that transpired after I introduced Emily to Jack that first night. As far as I knew, she was a perfectly normal human being who was new to the area. Oh, how wrong I was.
Back at their house, we met her parents and 3 brothers, one younger than her and two older than her. They seemed like pretty cool kids, so we told them all to come for a swim that evening after they had finished unpacking a bit. 7:00pm would be the time.
[Note: My family doesn't have a pool, but a friend who lived about a block away had one that she never used, as an older, single woman living in a house, so we kept it clean and got to swim whenever we liked.]
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-Trivial-
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W00t, keep em comin.
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-Skrote-
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Must tag for lazy Friday work day reading....
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ht_swift
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yea let's hear more!!!!
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Iodin_Blacksun
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alright, i'm hooked, keep it coming :-P
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zangchang_needs_ign_merge$$$
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dangit podunker.. now you've given me yet one more addiction to fight!
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ht_swift
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that's all for me tonight i have to go to bed
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wyrd_sc_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Lately, my main character Wyrd has been harassed by this obnoxious player called Grey Mouse (her other characters include Battle Mouse and some other mouse-related nastiness).
some of these actions include:
+ demands for cheese, if not, she would:
+ bite ankles
+ chewing on my pretty greater shadow armour leggings
She's already chewed through my old sexy leather booties because I was caught unbuffed, and she's now halfway through my GSA (I lost 50AL from the base from her biting already)!
I have to continually purchase uber-cheese to feed this monster or cast Piercing Prot VIII and Impen VIII on my GSA leggings to preserve them.
And, rhinestone scarabs are getting darn expensive, those nasty VIIIs keep fizzling on me.
I must say the player's PK skill is quite good. She'd ignore my nice AL185 sollerets to go for my sexy leather leggings and booties. Also, sometimes when I'm AFK she's come and bite hoping my buffs had gonen off. NOT GONNA HAPPEN, I say!
I sent urgent help from the +admins regarding this pest, but they ignored me!
What we really need is Steel-Ankled Booties (TM). Like Steel-toed boots, these could go to as high AL as 140 and buffable. Also, piercing would be Unparellel and casts "Protection from Mice 10' ".
Gods, may she choke on those studs she chewed off my old studded leather leggings I used for those fun S&M sessions with ... um, ok, that's not relevant to this petition.
Sincerely,
Wyrd
- mouse-bitten, twice shy.
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HaPPyDaY_needs_ign_merge$$$
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she
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bubbax_needs_ign_merge$$$
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ive reached the end of the thread and I need more, more damn you, im at work and its soooooo boring, you cant just leave me like this, I cant quit cold turkey I must be removed from the story slowly. LOL great story Pod, I will of course have to steal the line "Playing stupid sometimes works on stupid people" its to good to just waste away.
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Grey_Mouse
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Thank you Acid Archer, I could'nt have said it better myself.
As for that nasty Wyrd person...
I keep telling you that being bitten by the mouse is an HONOR (mispelt for you silly americans), not a tradgedy!
Another thing to note Wyrd, is that I have HOLLOW teeth. You can cast every bane and prot on yourself and armour and I will still bite straight through.
Now FIND ME CHEESE or there'll be a'trouble!
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Battle Mouse Mouse Hegemony Ruler.
AC1, AC2, HZ, UO, EVE, AO, WOW: Retired.
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-Clod-Vhp-
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Holy freaking crap this is sweet.
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Kokobobo
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Pod, excellent writing! This is the best thread I've seen in a long time, maby ever...keep it comming lol
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zangchang_needs_ign_merge$$$
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bump
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Rolan_SC
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Yeah, so then..... write.... more... stuff. Or else.
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Aerlinthian
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page 3 ?!, nothing else to read ?!, eek !.
*casts Patience Self VI*
"Your spell fizzles"
*casts Patience Self VI*
"Your spell fizzles"
*casts Patience Self VI*
"Your spell fizzles"
*grumbles and curses his gimppyness*
/e goes to enquire how much cheese in quanity costs.. as a preventitive measure
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Podunkmer
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Part X - Taboo.
At 7:15 the car rolled up and out stepped Emily and her younger sister. And nobody else. Emily explained that her brothers had gone out rollerblading, and that one of them had wiped out and "gotten all torn up," so they couldn't come. I was kind of bummed, but oh well.
We took them on the grand tour of our palacial suburbian dwelling, as is our custom, and ended up in the back yard jumping on the trampoline.
Now, I consider myself a somewhat educated man, and at times I am even known for having a bit of tact. As such, I am well aware that only under very unique circumstances is it appropriate to discuss body weight in the presence of women. Such conversation inevitably leads to social embarrassment on my part, my chances of getting a date with any eligible women in the vicinity irrevocably destroyed by Darth Vader's Death Star Ray of Female Fickle Will.
There is absolutely no way to come out of a conversation about body weight without having caused immense emotional grief to a woman with such comments as "You look great!" or "Wow, you've lost weight, haven't you?", which in the woman's mind translate to "It's a shame they don't make paper bags big enough to cover your head AND your body, you revolting excuse for a living entity!" and "You're still so fat that I wouldn't be able to look at you without wretching even if I had the intestinal fortitude to spend my spare time at a leper colony wallowing in fecal matter and juggling the refuse butcherings from a nearby slaughterhouse."
SOOOOOO, it should be just as surprising to you as it was to me when Emily voluntarily brought up the subject of body weight, and subsequently revealed her own weight, which did in fact surpass my own weight, and that by a full 10 kilograms (22 pounds for you customary folk). And certainly put her in the size/weight bracket roughly described as "Would Probably Beat Me in Arm Wrestling."
To some this might not be very significant, but to me it just seemed that she didn't really lend any credence to socially accepted norms of taboo and acceptable behavior (as we saw with Jack, Juan, and Benito, and as we will yet see in abundant quantity with Clark.)
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Iodin_Blacksun
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bumpity
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Zenya
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Damn u!!!!
i need more....Great writing, hooked me on the first post.
Do i smell cheese nips? or is it some other cheese cracker?
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{old}-ToiletDuk-
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No cheese nips, just red vines.
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_Mx_
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god damnit i hate living in europe...now i can only get some more story in about 10 hours right???!! i can't stand it that long post some more fast!!!!! ahhhhhhhhh
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ForplaySC
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Great wrighting
And as your public says, More!
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laris_bloodsong
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GO PODDY GO..... 
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And the children of Solclaim fled the iron fist of Eldreth, of Vault Network, and they had naught to eat but cold pizza and flat Pepsi, for they were in haste and were also forced to leave their stars behind.
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_Mx_
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I'm guessing she will beat the crap outta Poddy in the final act eheh...
c'mon...post post post!
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-Shaba-
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Oh wow this is great reading. I'll give it 2 thumbs up so far. I can't wait for the next part.
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{old}fragilesoul_x
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yup. tag for sure
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vn_rhourk
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[And certainly put her in the size/weight bracket roughly described as "Would Probably Beat Me in Arm Wrestling."]
Now that is just plain clever. You have real talent Pod, good for you.
Rhourk
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Aleisha_Drifter
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Hey! I didn't know Mormons could write!!! J/K, great story!
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panzerschlep
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I'm loving it Poddy Thanks for the great read so far, but......POST THE REST!!!
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synesthetia_needs_ign_merge$$$
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I would have to agree with the cheeze-it quality issue. While I love cheeze-it's and won't be defecting to nips, there is a bit of an issue. I think the main problem lies in the baking process. It's not uncommon to open a box of the cheezy, slightly salty bliss, and find that the contents is overly dark. Despite this, I feel that it only adds to the anticipation of tearing open the box like it's a Christmas present of a five year old. Will this be THE box? Will it be the container of pure joy that I've experianced only a few times before?
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_Mx_
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damn we don't have that cheeze-it stuff over here....damn life is hard here ....
post the damn sequel already!
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dEOS_SC
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Bump to the sky
This is EXCELLENT stuff
Great writing skills
and so entertaining
I need more or the suspense will kill me
Thanks in advance for the already posted parts. Can't wait for the rest.
This roxorz (well not roxoring like Juju but almost)
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Athel_Cadarn_SC
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When it comes to peaches, I think the ones in heavy syrup are the best.
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khronic_
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good read, keep em' comin!
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-Hokanu-
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someone PM me when this is finished... I am a fast reader and it's REAL frustrating to get to the end of the thread and... The story seems to be only 1/3rd completed.
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Podunkmer
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ROFL Hokanu...I might have it finished by the weekend.
I am right now eating Cheddar Cheese Saltine crackers, and I must say, good show. These things are more addictive than Goldfish, Cheeze-its, and Animal Crackers combined.
Oh what's that, you wanted another part of the story? Hmmm...
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eumenides_needs_ign_merge$$$
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polly olly wally ump bump fizz
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Podunkmer
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Part XI - Must Be Something in the Water
So we headed over to swim. It's about a 3 or 4 minute walk, cutting between houses and through alleys (this will be important, so remember it). Emily, her sister, me, Laura, and Jenny, my youngest sister, not quite 10 years old.
We swam and had fun and other such things as carefree American youth are wont to do on a summer Saturday. We frolicked and bantered and dunked some people underwater and whatever other conservative mischief we could concoct. And I think Emily was flirting with me. Well, I didn't quite think it at the time, but in retrospect she was. Trying to grab on to me and pull me to her, or dunk me, etc. But being spindly of frame and weasly of movement, I eluded her many essais at entrapment.
Then we got prune hands and the sun started setting and we decided to go home. We dried off and headed down the alley, and then Laura pulled me off one way to cut through some yards, while Jenny led Emily and her sister (alright, I admit, I can't remember her name!) the normal way home.
"Emily told me to ask you to ask her out on a date."
"Huh??!!??"
"Yeah, while we were swimming. I think you should. She's pretty!"
Now, I love Laura with all my heart. She's a fantastic sister, a terrific woman, and now she's a wonderful wife, and she'll make a great mother. But I'll be damned if she wasn't inspired by Satan himself, Beelzebub, the Son of the Morning, Lucifer, the serpent which did deceive our first parents into sin, to say that last line. To this day she still tries to set me up on blind dates, but if I'm ever not in the mood or skeptical about any of her prospects for me, I retain the trump of all trump cards: Emily. But I was something of a pushover when it came to women (and I still am whipped today, sigh), and I let her talk me into it.
There was one hitch though. Angelica. Angelica. Oh, even today the very mention of the name sends a tingle down my spine and my heartbeat quickens. She was perfect. Face, hair, height, weight, athleticism (volleyball and track team), personality (she laughed at my jokes, a laugh like a mix between a trickle of water and a kindergartner's giggle), spirituality, emotionally (*very* mature for her age). My family had known her family for years, and her father was our orthodontist. I had danced with her at various large church youth socials (she lived about 30 to 40 minutes away from me).
About a week earlier, I had mustered the moxy to call her up for a date (I had months before asked her to my Junior Prom, but alas, she was busy). Her family would be out of town that week, but she told me to call her back the next weekend to see if we could set something up. It being Saturday, I had been psyching myself up ALL day to ask her out.
And there was NO WAY IN ALL OF CREATION that I was going to schedule something with Emily because sure enough it would end up being the only day for the next 16 months that Angelica was available! So I had to act quickly, and hope that fate was on my side, lest the situation escalate to "unpleasantries."
We got home (roughly at the same time, having met up with Jenny, Emily, and Sister again, and me noticing inquiring glances from Emily in Laura's direction), I headed straight for my room on the premise that I needed to change out of my swimming suit (partially true, as one wouldn't want to lounge about in wet cloths and chafe, no?)
I dialed Angelica's number (memorized long before), my heart racing and my mind amok. She was home! I worked my way through the how-are-you's and the how-was-your-vacation's and stopped just short of the being-in-your-presence-is-heavenly-bliss-in-moral-existence's. They I asked her out for the following Saturday and she said yes.
WHAT???!!!???
I had once been set up on a blind date with a girl some 8 months previous, and had failed in my attempt at a date (Junior Prom) with Angelica 3 months earlier, so this was to be my first official successful date! And it was with the woman who pervaded my thinking both day and night, who had for years and would for yet many more years.
Emily was insignificant. As I came back to a part of reality, I realized the easiest way out would just be to go out for a quick evening with Emily one time and be done with her, hopefully well on my way to an upgrade from my one-sided fantasy relationship with Angelica to something more...well...mutual.
I walked into the kitchen, pulled Emily aside, and rented out my soul for an evening. Wednesday night at 6:00 it would be.
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WitchHazel_needs_ign_merge$$$
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I got out of bed this morning, put in my contacts, brushed my teeth and headed to the pc hoping for Podunkmer's latest instalments!
I am really enjoying these!
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-Skrote-
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NO!! Clark's going to mess up his chances with the Angel by being seen with the Behemoth. Ugh, bad call man, bad call.
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WitchHazel_needs_ign_merge$$$
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bump
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Elrathan_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Brilliant. You sir, are an exquisite story teller. Thank you so much for sharing.
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-Anomie-
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What do you expect from a 16 year old guy??? Scientific studies have proven that 16 year old males are more idiotic than your average chihuahua. Don't blame the boy, blame SATAN!
"...being spindly of frame and weasly of movement..." rofl, that's classic
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Imowyn, level 14X bazooka Anomie, level 10X bazooka in training (still)
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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THE WORLD'S THINNEST BOOKS
19. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton
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eumenides_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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hey 16 year old males maybe be 1/2 as smart as a chihuahua, but their twice as horny
thus balencing out the world's chi
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ConstantineSC
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I wanna know where the headbutts come in.
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-Selar-
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tagtastic
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-Shaba-
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Ok now when is the next chapter? I'm so hooked.
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CosmoSanIncarnate
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hehe
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Podunkmer
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Part XII - Sunday's Psycho
Friday evening had seen me officially score my first two dates ever, one with the girl of my dreams, and the other with what would become the hideous spectre of nightmarish agony.
The warm summer Sunday morning passed by without incident, and the family headed off to the afternoon church services. After the services, it was our family's custom to assemble from our various separate Sunday School classes at one of the exits, decide who would be staying for the choir practice, and proceed from there.
For 14 years, our rendez-vous point had been in the same spot. 14 years leading to my doom, as our spot happened to be right outside the classroom for the young women. Thus, it was inevitable that Emily emerged from her class to find Laura and I chatting and waiting for our parents.
We made polite conversation with Emily, then her sister came up. The exact details of the conversation are lost in the depths of my pysche, but I know that the tension in the air escalated. When Emily mentioned that her family's car was out in the parking lot, we politely volunteered to escort them thereto.
We exited the church and began the walk across the parking lot. The events that followed happened in quick succession and took me more or less by surprise, so I admit that I may have the order a bit flawed. But here goes:
1) Emily complimented me on my tie.
2) Emily reached over and took my tie to apparently feel the silk (like it's any different than the 15.2 million other silk ties on this planet)
3) Emily began doing the "Necktie Walk Up." You know, where they grab one hand after the other up the tie until they get to the knot? I don't know about other people, but I thought that every time they do this in movies, it's the cue for the Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow music to start, if you know what I mean.
4) Flustered, I pulled my tie from her grasp and tried to laugh it off.
5) She complimented me on my class ring (which had perhaps caught her attention as I was fighting her off in #4.)
6) She asked to see my class ring.
7) I let her see my class ring.
8) She put my class ring on her left annular digit.
9) She proclaimed to my sister, "Look Laura, we're married. Tee Hee!"
10) I laughed the "Mildly Amused but Not Really" laugh and indicated for her to return my ring, which she did, since we had now arrived at her car.
Okay, at this point I was REALLY looking forward to sitting in the bass section with a bunch of paunchy old men instead of being where I was. Honest. So Laura and I bid Emily and Sister adieu with the reason that choir was to start posthaste!
Emily offered to walk us back to the church building.
???????
I will pause right here for you to look back a few paragraphs and verify what you are thinking...
...
...
...
Yes that's right, we walked her to her car, only to have her offer to walk us back to where we started. Something smelled fishy, and the Swedish Chef was nowhere to be found!
In His divine wisdom, God created Precipitation. And so it was that fortune smiled upon me, and the cloudy Verbraskashire skies erupted into a short cloudburst. Being devoid of umbrella or any other such implement as would facilitate gentlemanly conduct of protecting a nearby woman's hairdo or flowery dress, I did what any self-respecting almost-17-year-old would do when presented with this situation.
I ran.
Not the kind of "Ok Clark, gotta pace yourself for this 8 mile training run" kind of running I do today. No. More the kind of "Run Run, Fast as I Can, You Can't Catch Me, I'm the Gingerbread Man" running.
I bolted straight for the safety of higher ground and a roof. Unfortunately, my fleetness proved to fit right in with Emily's nefarious conniving. Upon reaching the church with Laura, Emily said goodbye and headed back to her car. As Laura and I navigated the still-busy halls of the church building to get to the choir room, she revealed that Emily had told her to tell me to bring flowers Wednesday night.
FLOWERS???
*counts on fingers*
**6** times in my 23 years of living have I found it appropriate to give a girl flowers in any time of courting/dating situation. In all but ONE of those settings, I was wearing a TUXEDO and we were going to a FORMAL DANCE! That exception was Valentine's Day 2000, when after 7 dates with a girl, I sent her 2 dozen roses, and was promptly dumped within the week. But I digress.
FLOWERS???
Sorry, nuh uh. No soup for you! This Endeavor was looking more and more likely to end up like the Challenger...
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{old}Otkarl
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ALT-TAB, ALT-TAB, ALT-TAB, ALT-TAB, ALT-TAB, ALT-TAB, dang!
darn Boss walking up on an innocent employee
ROFLMAO
Truly a Candidate for Novels of the Net.
*P.S. should this be renamed the Pyreal Mormon Nightmare Thread?**
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-God-Almighty-
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I want more damnit!
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jrinker
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Oh great just what I need... another addiction!
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Kokobobo
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Hey pod, when do we get to the Mainetexhoma part?.. Keep it coming lol
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-Shaba-
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This is getting very interesting!
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Camendur
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For the love of all thats good just finish the story!!! AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!
heh. Good writing skills. Way to suck in the reader.
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Podunkmer
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My goodness you guys, I have to get *some* work done today!
---------------------------------------------
Part XIII - Preparation.
"Clark, I don't like that girl. I want you to make sure to keep the armrest in your truck down so she can't scoot over or something!"
"Mom, if she tries anything funky, she's riding home in the BACK of the truck."
Ok, so maybe I was all talk. But the talk about the household was all leading the same way: I was in for a rough evening.
It turned out I was in for a rough day as well. A hot office, lots of software to test, and 3 separate visits to beta-testing sites requiring over 4 hours driving around Whattown in heavy traffic. I got off work around 5:30 and headed out to the 'burbs. A quick scouting around at the major shopping mall near my home and I had the date planned.
Dinner was to be at the luxurious eatery "The Feed Bag." No, I'm not kidding, that's really the name of the restaurant. Burgers and fries, but not quite fast food à la McDonalds. Post-dinner entertainment would be provided courtesy of the good people of Cinemark Discount Theater ($1.50 a seat!) The movie would finish up around 9:00pm or 9:30pm, and I could drop her off and head over to my older sister's apartment to try to rescue her laptop from the harddrive crash she had called me about just before leaving work.
I pulled up to the house. I got out of my very new Ford Ranger pickup (always immaculately clean for a date, even if I didn't like her). I walked up to the door. I looked down at my watch as I did, timing my very footsteps as the seconds counted down.
5:59:57
5:59:58
5:59:59
6:*ding dong*00:00
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Tak_Of_Solclaim
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Aaaaaauuuuuuugggggghhhh!!!! The SUSPENSE!!!!  Can't wait for the next installment... TAG!
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synesthetia_needs_ign_merge$$$
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No, how about the Indyilliohgan part.
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-Lioness-_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Kay... So what's the formula here? How many bumps are required for the next installment?
Screw work. It's Friday. As far as I'm concerned, the weekend started this morning!
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Iodin_Blacksun
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we require more chapters
and Podunkmer, everytime i see you on Aerlinthe now i'm gonna tell you to go post some more
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zangchang_needs_ign_merge$$$
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damn you podunker..
*walks away to check himself into rehab*
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eumenides_needs_ign_merge$$$
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to bump or not to bump that is the question
everytime i see someone add a reply i get all edgy and hope for another addition!
but i'm sorely dissapointed at the fact that addicts keep bumping
but then if we didn't bump podunkmer wouldn't see the need or necessity to keep posting
to bump or not to bump that is the question
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-Shaba-
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We need more! Gotta have more!
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Podunkmer
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LOL...such power...ok lemme fire up another for you.
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Podunkmer
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Part XIV - 6:00pm Means 6:00pm
A man is less than one half of one percent genetically different from a woman. Since the beginning of time man/womankind has duly noted the differences produced by this smidgen of a chromosome, before we even used the word smidgen or knew what a chromosome was.
Now I'm not going to launch into a tirade on the behavioral differences between the fairer sex and the hairier sex. I just don't have time. But let's make one thing clear to you ladies out there.
If a man tells you 6:00pm and he shows up at 6:00pm, the following are appropriate responses:
"Hi! Just a minute, I'm almost ready!"
"Hi! I'm running late, would you mind sitting for a few?"
"Hi! Let's go!"
"Hi! I love it when people are punctual! Let's go!"
This, however, is NOT an appropriate response:
"Oh, I thought you'd be late."
What??? You *thought* I would be late? Think whatever you want, but when I woke up early so I could get to work early so I could leave work early and drive through heavy traffic and run a few lights and endanger some handicapped children and senior citizens and babies in unattended carriages so I could pick you up when I said I'd pick you up, you'd better come up with something better than "I thought you'd be late" if you want to score points with me!
<gender rant=on>
Ladies, if a man gets there on time to your first date, it means he's capable of being on time to anything else that could ever possibly have a starting time. Don't screw that up. If he likes you, he most certainly spent the last 3 hours sweating out what he would say in the first 22 seconds of showing up, and in his meticulous rehearsals, he has already calculated every tick of the clock into the rhythm of his delivery. If he doesn't like you, he still at least had the respect to treat you like a lady and keep his committment!
<gender rant=off>
"I'm not ready yet, come on in." Nice follow-up, but no dice!
The tone of the evening had been set, and it sounded something like a flaming blinded warthog dragging a grand piano down a cobblestone mountain.
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laris_bloodsong
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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POD finish the story already, i STILL cant beleive you didnt let me read all this first, im so hurt
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And the children of Solclaim fled the iron fist of Eldreth, of Vault Network, and they had naught to eat but cold pizza and flat Pepsi, for they were in haste and were also forced to leave their stars behind.
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laris_bloodsong
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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OH..... and whats worse is you let that nasty RAT read it before ME!!!
/e looks around for her drudge board with nail
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And the children of Solclaim fled the iron fist of Eldreth, of Vault Network, and they had naught to eat but cold pizza and flat Pepsi, for they were in haste and were also forced to leave their stars behind.
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-Shaba-
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Pod you big tease. We want to know the rest of the story.
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arazu
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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This is great, I can't wait for the rest.
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"Plus je vois l'homme, plus j'aime mon chien" - Pascal  =)
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Podunkmer
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Laris, read your PM's in about 2 minutes.
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laris_bloodsong
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BAH, dont you try and sweet talk me NOW podster, your gonna get a beating anyhow :P
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And the children of Solclaim fled the iron fist of Eldreth, of Vault Network, and they had naught to eat but cold pizza and flat Pepsi, for they were in haste and were also forced to leave their stars behind.
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{old}Ibbuw
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No no. Oh no you don't. You can't stop now. I don't care if this takes all weekend. I need to know what happens next. Please keep it coming!!
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AshTorz_needs_ign_merge$$$
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oooh, can I watch?
/em fervently hopes for a redfest at the rock this weekend . . .
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-Lioness-_needs_ign_merge$$$
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OMG... That last one was so damn funny, I can actually forgive you for:
NOT POSTING MORE!!!
Maybe.
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-Skrote-
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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hello?
The Edge of this seat is hurting my ass.
Let the story continue...
(btw nice prose. It is actually quite good.)
Thanks
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Wryan-SC
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OMG I think I HATE YOU! You've ruined my Friday night.
Finish the story NOW & I'll throw you some SIK's and a Dark Shard! NOW!! FINISH IT!!
heh
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Podunkmer
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ROFL! There's an idea!
-----------------------
Guys,
I've been writing a story for some time now. It first came about when some friends asked me to. It's something I love doing. Sometimes I'll load up the browser and I 5 or 6 posts asking me to write another chapter. I do it as I have time, and try not to interfere with other people's browsing. Normally I just accept the standard praise, and only if I actually burned candlelight writing the story.
But I've had people offer me more than just the standard compensation to give them advance notice on the story. Now, it's not a fortune, but some people have offered lots nonetheless. So I'm wondering what people think about giving people advance copies of the episodes. I don't really want to be playing favorites or giving in to the highest bidder.
???
(Hehe, remember, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.)
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laris_bloodsong
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Podster behave LOL
jsut post the story for these poor people that you have addicted to this tread.
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And the children of Solclaim fled the iron fist of Eldreth, of Vault Network, and they had naught to eat but cold pizza and flat Pepsi, for they were in haste and were also forced to leave their stars behind.
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Dyln
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"Darth Vader's Death Star Ray of Female Fickle Will."
"And certainly put her in the size/weight bracket roughly described as "Would Probably Beat Me in Arm Wrestling."
Poddy, you rock my brotha!
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Wryan-SC
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bah. I withdraw my paltry offer then.
POST MORE NOW. I personally think it's soooooo mean to draw this out it's TORTURE!!!
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Anwyn
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bump.
I need more....
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laris_bloodsong
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is this the END of your story till monday Pod???
i certainly hope not
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And the children of Solclaim fled the iron fist of Eldreth, of Vault Network, and they had naught to eat but cold pizza and flat Pepsi, for they were in haste and were also forced to leave their stars behind.
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Podunkmer
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Page 4 huh? ... I just might have to do something about that.
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Podunkmer
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Part XV - The Feed Bag, or Maybe Just The Drink Bag.
After 10 or 15 minutes, Emily's parents finally came home. Technically, Emily had been watching her little sister and couldn't leave her alone; practically, she wasn't ready yet. Once both of these bridges had been crossed we made like a baby and headed out.
For several years I strove, via eastern mind-control meditations and good old-fashioned western sitting-under-a-hot-lamp-in-a-dark-room-getting-smacked-for-wrong-answers brainwashing, to forget the events of this particular evening. You will excuse me therefore if I have forgotten some of the smaller details such as the meaningless expulsions of tonalized breath which Emily emitted in lieu of conversation.
Hazy as it is, I'm pretty sure that on the short drive from her house to our dinner destination, we talked about how she had just started working at Wendy's that day. [Wendy's is a well-franchised American fast-food chain characterized by a freckled red-headed cartoon girl for a mascot, the pseudo-mythical daughter of Dave Thomas, who insists on parading his huggably tubby frame and small-town drawl about in every commercial.]
Then we arrived at The Feed Bag. Yeah, classy, I know. The Feed Bag is a burger/grill joint, but not quite fast food. They actually make your sandwich and spit in it WHILE YOU WAIT, ensuring savory salival freshness in every bite!
So we stepped up, and being the courteous gentleman I was, am, and forever will be, I let her order first. She declined, saying she hadn't quite decided.
"Very well. I'll have a Super Duper Half-Pound Double Decka Hecka Bacon Burger, some fries, and a Sprite." Though I admittedly don't remember the exact name of the sandwich, there was definitely gratuitous amounts of bacon involved.
"Is 7-Up okay?"
Sigh.
Sprite is clearly superior to 7 Up, and this evening was definitely not being helped by the fact that The Feed Bag was a Pepsico disciple, not Coca-Cola.
"Yeah sure."
I glanced sideways at Emily, who momentarily maintained the upwards gaze at the balefully cheery overhead menu, meticulously designed with all numbers and letters seemingly fashioned from old rotted wood shingles, presumably to give it a "western" or "down-home" aura. I wasn't convinced. But I digress.
"I'll just have a Pepsi."
???
"You sure? It's okay, you can order whatever you want."
While I certainly wasn't planning to break the bank this evening, I also wasn't about to be passed off as a cheapskate who wouldn't even spring for a side of fries.
"No, I'm not hungry, I ate at work."
#$(&@(*@!!!!
<gender rant=on>
Never mind, I'm not even going to bother with this one.
<gender rant=off>
We sat down to talk and wait for my food, which arrived fast, fresh, and flegmmy, just as I expected. So as she sipped her drink, I began to chow away at my Artery-Clogger Special, unaware that in the next two minutes I would tip the first domino in the trail to utter disaster.
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Ivory_Rose_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Augh, the suspense is killing me!
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Grey_Mouse
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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This little rat better get advanced copies pod OR ELSE!
Don't let that nasty Laris browbeat you into giving her access rights!
Remember who has tried to kill you at every opportunity! We got history
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Battle Mouse Mouse Hegemony Ruler.
AC1, AC2, HZ, UO, EVE, AO, WOW: Retired.
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laris_bloodsong
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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dont you DARE pod, or i will have to beat you even harder, that nasty rat deosnt deserve the right to read before I do
/e quickly hides the cheese
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And the children of Solclaim fled the iron fist of Eldreth, of Vault Network, and they had naught to eat but cold pizza and flat Pepsi, for they were in haste and were also forced to leave their stars behind.
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{old}Otkarl
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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/e sneaks a handful of cheez to the Mouse...
huh?, wha? I didnt see anything.
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Grey_Mouse
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Thanks for the cheese pal, your hint for the next chapter is..... that it doesn't involve cheese
Get ingame you nasty laris!
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Battle Mouse Mouse Hegemony Ruler.
AC1, AC2, HZ, UO, EVE, AO, WOW: Retired.
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laris_bloodsong
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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i AM mean old RAT, jsut cant do anything with packing and cleaning
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And the children of Solclaim fled the iron fist of Eldreth, of Vault Network, and they had naught to eat but cold pizza and flat Pepsi, for they were in haste and were also forced to leave their stars behind.
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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[Don't let the title get you too excited. ]
Part XVI - And In The Darkness Bind Them.
Mmmm....bacon...greasy bacon...
*gulp*
*sip sip*
*bite*
*gulp*
*sip sip*
*bite*
"I like your class ring."
*gulp*
"Hmm? Oh this? Yeah, it's nice, not too fancy."
"Lemme see it again!"
*bite*
"Mrmpphr"
I sometimes wonder if people think because of its low profile and simple elegance that my class ring somehow holds immense power. If it does, I certainly wish someone would tell me how to use it, because I still get speeding tickets, pay taxes, have to fly commercial airlines, don't have an army of heartless minions, and have to sit through Wendy's adverts to get to the next 8-minute stint of Simpsons. But I hear TiVo works well for that last one.
My class ring is silver (5 kids in the family, you don't get gold nuthin') and has a star carved in relief, the symbol of the academy I went to. No gems, no 3-inch vertical span from the hand, and it doesn't weigh as much as a pinball. I like it. Other people do, too. Engraved on the interior is my full name and "Seventh Class," meaning I would be part of the seventh graduating class of the institution.
It's a good conversation piece, and I usually have no qualms using it as such. When Emily asked, I must have mistaken those qualms in my stomach as simply an adverse reaction to my Porky Pig and Mad Cow Sandwich.
I slid the ring off my finger, handed it to her, and continued my ravenous foray. [In writing this, I honestly think that burger was the best thing that happened to me all night.]
The standard conversation ensued as she inspected the ring and *sigh* put it on her finger again. I continued eating and she continued sipping.
She, however, made no gesture of returning the ring.
You know how there are those societal norms? Like how expensive an entree you should order when being treated to dinner being a function of how long you have known the person and how rich you think they are, or how if you're in a subway, the required distance between your armpit and the next guy's ear is inversely related to the population density of the coach, or how long you should hold someone's baby the first time you see it, or how far you are required to push someone's broken down car before recommending a suitable parking lot for ditching the thing? It's this unspoken agreement of nods and glances that makes our day-to-day life a smooth continuum of communication without the tedious repetition of always awkwardly requesting permission to do something or passing out to all your friends a list of conditions which, if satisfied, will indicate that your phone conversation has now reached fruition, and both parties should then respectfully wish each other good day and hang up.
Emily didn't give the ring back.
How does one go about informing someone that they have committed a minor infraction of an unspoken law? This wasn't a case of her forgetting, like when someone borrows your car keys to get their jacket out of the car and forgets to give them back for 3 hours while you are at a party. She was INTENTIONALLY holding on to this ring!
I finished my sandwich. Everything went downhill from the sandwich.
"Can I have my ring back now? "
The indicates the cutest, most innocent, nice-guy smile I could come up with while secretly wanting to fake a ruptured appendix. Hey, I might have even taken an actual ruptured appendix as a godsend.
"Not while you've got greasy fingers like that!"
Ok, I admit I was a mess. Never order ribs, spaghetti, or really big burgers when you want to impress a girl, I know. That's why I had ordered the biggest, slimiest, angst-ridden-generation-Y-er-spit-filled monstruosity that The Feed Bag offered! This is EMILY we're out with here...
Greasy fingers? Never mind the fact that when I handed it to her, MY FINGERS WERE PLENTY GREASY ALREADY!
"Ok, hehe."
I retreated to the restroom to wash my hands and check the mirror to make sure I was as well-presented as possible in the event that I needed to flirt with a cute girl that walked into the restaurant or something.
"Ok, I'm cleaned up, hand me my ring and let's go. "
<--- Same smile, even made sure I didn't have any sesame seeds stuck in my teeth this time.
"No!"
And with that, she headed out into the parking lot.
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-Clod-Vhp-
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*drool* need more...
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-Trivial-
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Great readin man, keep em comin !
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ht_swift
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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this story is the best, i am hooked
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-Shaba-
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Wow you really have me addicted. Anyone know a good detox center to check myself into?
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Dream_Princess
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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/me looks around for the rest of the pages...
WHO TOOK THIS BOOK OUT LAST??
wheres the rest of it!! Librarian!!!
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-shaido-
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Tagged so i dont loose it.
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-boi-
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I just started reading this thread, after the third chapter I started eyeing the pages...I thought, "6 pages? HAHA, I'll definatley get to read it from begining to end." DAMN IT!
tag
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Podunkmer
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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LOL, you want more chapters, you come powerlevel my level 22 mage guy!
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Iodin_Blacksun
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Pod, we require more updates because this story is....r0x0r
yes
r0x0r
*wanders aimlessly until Pod updates again*
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-Shaba-
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Come on Pod I'm stuck at work tonight. I have no other excitement except for your story, please.
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panzerschlep
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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I wish I had some magic other than item or I would pL your 22nd level mage. Do good intentions get another chapter?
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areia
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Must have more.......
It's a good distraction from my RL headache...
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CptSchmee
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nice
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-Isaiah-
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uh uh. No way! Can't be possible! I don't think so! It's 1 am and there is no way in hell i'm going to bed till i get the entire story! You want your lvl 22 mage p-lvl'd? What template you have and where is the closest bsd/tusker camp you wanna camp? FINISH THE STORY!!! PLEASE!!!
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-Isaiah-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Page 1 bump! Post more! More i tell you! More!!!
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Grey_Mouse
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Good news, Pod just logged out and mumbled something about writing some more chapters.
Of course, he muttered something about going to sleep too
Guess we will soon find out which he chose!
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Battle Mouse Mouse Hegemony Ruler.
AC1, AC2, HZ, UO, EVE, AO, WOW: Retired.
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Podunkmer
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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LOL Isaiah...he's only got UA trained, but started with 100 strength (spec life loyalty magic def)...lives in Baishi. Hitting tuskers is still a little tough with 128 base UA though.
Ok folks, since the servers are going down, you get more chapters!
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-Isaiah-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Ah hell well make a new power lvling technique... You skim the tusker i kill the tusker...Sound good eh? =p
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Grey_Mouse
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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"This little rat"...
LIES ALL LIES!
I NEVER SAID THAT AND EVEN IF I DID, YOU CANNOT QUOTE ME!
You are damn lucky the servers are down pod!
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Battle Mouse Mouse Hegemony Ruler.
AC1, AC2, HZ, UO, EVE, AO, WOW: Retired.
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Wryan-SC
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Wow if this was my story it would already be over.
I'd have kicked the crap out of that bitch. Nobody takes my jewelry and walks off with it.
I'd scratch her eyes out.
I'd biter her legs off!
I'm addicted.
Podunkmer- This story reminds me of the 'great brain' books I read as a kid. Great work.
help! more story!!
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Part XVII - Change of Plans
The Feed Bag was a little over a mile from her house and less than half a mile from mine. We got in the car and drove to the movie theater, conveniently located all the way on the other side of the intersection.
I wasn't even going to spend very much on GAS for this.
I don't remember which movie I had planned on seeing. Probably something as unromantic as possible, likely starring Chris Farley or RuPaul or Pikachu. But even at that, I was robbed of the pleasure of sitting through 97 minutes of trite chuckles, and with little warning.
"I don't want to go to a movie."
I had given her fair warning over 45 minutes ealier as we left her house. Now, we were IN the parking lot looking for a space.
"Ummm, why not?"
"Well, because when you go to a movie, you go, you watch it, you leave, and that's that."
"How very astute of you! You didn't DYE your hair blonde, did you?"
Okay so I didn't really say that last line, but I thought it. But the truth was, she was on to me. She was out for action, and Emily's idea of action differed from my idea of action.
Action, Clark style: Jackie Chan versus Velociraptors, with a sweating-bullets fight at the end pitting Chan, armed only with a bucket of ball-bearings and a mink coat, against a demon-possessed Emma Thompson and her legions of dinosaur-riding Leonardo di Caprio clones. You can guess who would win.
Action, Emily style: *shudder* I think it would ruin the story if I revealed what I thought Emily's idea of action is.
"So what DO you want to do?"
"I don't know, you've lived her all your life, you tell me!"
"... ... Umm ... ..."
She was right, I HAD lived there for 14 years, and by golly I'd done everything there is to do in that town, and none of it is going to win us an Olympic hosting bid.
"Well...it's tough for me to think, because I've done most of the stuff already, so it doesn't seem to jump out as fun."
I ran through the options in my head.
Mini-Golf. Ick, expensive, and I might be seen by my peers. Of course, the danger level for this was just as high at the movie theater, but less chance of interaction in a big crowd or a dark room than on an 18-green course.
Go Kart racing. Egads, she'd kill me. No doubt about that one.
Bowling. Aside from the fact that I'm a terrible bowler and generally get tendinitis for a few days afterward, this also had a high visibility factor. We won't even think about the redneckedness of this, either.
...
Well that's about the whole list. Oh wait! There is one more thing, so humiliating that nobody of any import would ever go there and see me, while also absorbing and distracting enough that I could hope to avoid conversation with Emily as much as possible. Perhaps it was worth a venture...
"We could go roller skating?"
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Iodin_Blacksun
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go Podunkmer, it's your birthday
*dances around a bit*
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-Isaiah-
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"Probably something as unromantic as possible, likely starring Chris Farley or RuPaul or Pikachu."
""How very astute of you! You didn't DYE your hair blonde, did you?"
OMG you killing me! more please more!
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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WE NOW INTERRUPT OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING FOR THIS WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS!
*******************************************
http://vnboards.ign.com/message.asp?topic=14980923
*******************************************
WE NOW RETURN TO OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
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Iodin_Blacksun
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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haha, nice one Pod
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Iodin_Blacksun
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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must camp the thread some more
Pod, make with the postage, i'll like, give you, uh, stuff, ya.....
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Iodin_Blacksun
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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*wanders around aimlessly*
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Iodin_Blacksun
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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you know, that town you're referring to sounds like my hometown, incredibly boring after you've lived there for 18 years
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-boi-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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/e checks for the table of contents....how many chapters again? I want to know how long i have to suffer.
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Umm, I keep a few written beforehand. But I'm not going to tell you how many more there are total, because I don't know. I *do* know that you'll get another in the next 3 minutes...
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Part XVIII - SURE! HOP ON IN!!!
So we pulled the car out of the movie theater parking lot and headed home. Unfortunately, we were only going there for her to get a pair of socks, as she was wearing sandals (she had unattractive feet, for those of you who were dying to know).
We walked in and I waited in the living room as Emily headed back to her room. Her little Sister came into the living room.
"Why are you guys back so soon?"
"We're going rollerskating and Emily needed to get socks."
Emily enters the room, socks in hand. Pink ones, no less.
"Can I come with you guys?"
"NO!"
"SURE!"
Emily glared at me. I think she thought I was serious! I was!
"Just kidding. Naw, you wouldn't want to come, it will be boring."
Emily laughed at me. I think she thought I was kidding! I wasn't!
For the first (and last) time that evening, Emily got the door for ME. For some reason she seemed in a hurry to leave.
So we strapped ourselves into the Green Ranger (as I so lovingly called it) and made for the other side of town. I should have known what happens when you go to Skid Row...
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ForplaySC
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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More!
Edit: Just what I need, another addiction
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panzerschlep
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Come on! Post another chapter! I even bid on your chainmail shirt. Now you owe it to me damn it!
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-Shaba-
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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We need more!
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El-Antiguo
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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tag
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areia
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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*woke up just to read more*
hrm... what to do while waiting?
Hey Noid... how's it going?
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-boi-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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dont you go to bed on us
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Tadesha_
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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I hope you're gonna send me another 4 chapters in advance Pod
/e looks around the room and goes, NYAH NYAH
And no, I can't be bought.
Not even for cheese (heya nasty rat )
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-boi-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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I'll volunteer as a editor, just send me the chapters
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areia
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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/e rubs her eyes.
No more tonight eh... bummer.
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-Shaba-
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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I need to get my fix!
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{old}Myndi_Lightblade
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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you said it... WAKE UP POD!! didn't ya hear sleep is bad for your health? it makes you all alert and stuff. *shudder*
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-Shaba-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Pod where are you?
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{old}Tobias_Knight
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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No!!!!!!! Must read more!
Need more! More! More! More!!
*wipes sweat from forehead*
Okay, I'm calm now.
Great story so far! I'm hooked!
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Tarinas
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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damnit - I got to the end - more!
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-Crazyfool-
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Tag.
must....
have....
more....
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Lorentil
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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mmmm
moremore
(Is Clark gonna get raped???? Only Podunkmer knows for now....)
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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I'm awake...
EDIT: The reason I went to sleep is that I wrote up another chapter, but it was suk, so I figured I'd best not suck things up when I didn't have the "edge."
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-Gladiac-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Man, this isn't funny. Post the rest of the damn story!
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eumenides_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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ha i'm not addicted to this story!
just like how i'm not addicted to AC
and how i have a life.
ouch sarcasm stings
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laris_bloodsong
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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hehe your awake pod, quit moving and POST
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And the children of Solclaim fled the iron fist of Eldreth, of Vault Network, and they had naught to eat but cold pizza and flat Pepsi, for they were in haste and were also forced to leave their stars behind.
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Tadesha_
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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bump
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Podunkmer
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Part XIX - Killing Time
We pulled into the potholed parking lot of Thunderbird Roller Rink. My truck didn't have 4-wheel drive, so it was difficult to navigate through the 2-feet deep gouges in the asphalt, but I braved the perils and arrived at the front door, which proudly bore a sign announcing Open Skate time from 7:30 - 9:30.
7:04 pm, and my watch was never wrong.
26 minutes early. The expression for what we needed to do is "kill some time." I had a feeling foul play would find its way into this evening somehow! I just assumed that Emily was really a serial killer and was going to garrote me with some tanned horse sinew at the end of the evening or something.
So what to do?
"Hmm, it doesn't open for another half hour. Should we just wait here?"
NOOOOOOOOOO!!! Sitting in a parking lot with nobody else around was like drawing a "Go To Jail" card. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Or my class ring, which was still on her finger, and which I was constantly scheming to recover at this point.
But wait! What's that? Could it be? YES! Temporary salvation! If there's one thing I had going for me as a scrawny hypermetabolic runner, it's that it took me less than 20 minutes to turn a 16 ounce 7-Up (bleh) into a raging urge to visit the little boys room!
"Hmm, you know what, I think I need to stop by a restroom actually. Let's head over to Target real quick."
Just as "Parking" is a "Go to Jail" card, so is going to the restroom a "Get Out of Jail Free" card. Either the man or the woman may exercise the Right of Nature during the course of a date, but returning again to social norms, if one should exceed the conventions of frequency, it is fully permissible for the significant other to say "Are you all right?" in a concerned tone, "SOMEBODY had a few too many shots of happy juice!" in a joking tone, or "I'm not going to get gonorrhea from you, am I?" in an accusing tone.
Therefore, it was very important that I judiciously spend my Restroom Credits this evening. And the prospect of 26 straight minutes alone with Emily definitely called for drastic measures.
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-Shaba-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Now I can go to sleep. I hope to awake to a few more chapters to read before I go back to work.
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Iodin_Blacksun
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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heya Talai, you're hooked too huh ?
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-Isaiah-
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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WHY DON'T I SEE MORE STORY!?!??
NEED MORE STORY! LESS AC! MORE STORY!
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-Isaiah-
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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You posted a chapter over 2 hours ago! We need more!
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areia
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Very much so... unfortunately I only have 10 minutes to wait for the next installment... then most of the day before I am back online...
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GIVE US MORE!!
*smiles*
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Part XX - A Brief Respite
"Ahhhhhhhhhh...."
*zip*
Normally it doesn't take me 13 minutes to clear out dinner, but tonight it would, by golly. I even washed my hands twice AND with soap!
I emerged warily from the men's room. Emily was nowhere in sight; she must have gone off to check out their sinew-curing products. I began formulating a plot. Perhaps I could walk out to the car, then walk back into the store, then walk around the store, and maintain that sequence in a stealthy enough manner to effectively burn away precious minutes until Emily resorted to paging me. Yes, it just might...
"Excuse me, where are the light bulbs like this one?"
???
"Umm, over in housewares, down that aisle and to your left."
"Thank you."
"np"
"Hi, do you guys have a pharmacy in this store."
???
"Umm, yes, it's up near the front of the store, on the left side of the entrance."
"Thank you."
"np"
I looked down at what I was wearing. Khaki pants and a blue button-up shirt. Didn't Target employees wear khakis and a RED shirt? With a NAMETAG that said TARGET on it? But hey, that's no reason not to help.
Unfortunately, this philanthropical delay proved the demise of my master plan of evasion, as it occupied me in one place long enough for Emily to find me as she came out of the shoe section. [No kidding.]
"Looks like it's about time, shall we go?"
I wondered if I should take up smoking so I could have that last cigarette before the firing squad.
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-Trivial-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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You're an evil, evil man.
Post more !!!
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-Isaiah-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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If i have to i'll get my big shiny star bumping this so you put more on!
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-Clod-Vhp-
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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This kicks ass.
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Mandulum_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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tag
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-Isaiah-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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w00t got my 3rd star on your post.... Plz don't make me get my 4th on this one too!
Error: Only 1 message post per minute is allowed.
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-Pandy-
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Dammit, I *knew* I shouldn't have read this thread. Now I'm hooked! ARGH! Need more!!!
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-Shaba-
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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I need more before I go to work.
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-Isaiah-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Oh well looks like i'm headed to my 4th star on this post... I better get some story soon!
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-Isaiah-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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OMG this almost went off page 1!
/me wonders if pod is getting the suttle hints i want more chapters...
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ht_swift
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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need more! gasp!
Please, i beg of you, i need to know what happens next!
This is torture of the highest level!
Please Please Post more!
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-Gladiac-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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damn you....more story
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areia
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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PLEASE! I need another fix before more RL activities.
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Oh man, I certainly wasn't planning on a 4 hour nap this afternoon, but I got it...I'll try to make up for lost time.
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Dark-Bow_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Don't ever put a story like tht up EVER again, that was THE dumbest thing I have ever read in all my life.
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{old}vn_an00bis
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Although you are entitled to your own opinion, I would seriously consider you STFU!
There are a lot of ppl who are hooked to this story.
Just trying to keep you flaming to a minimum.
-D
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Whitedude_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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bump dangit, darn funny, POST NOW!!!!!
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-Isaiah-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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"I'll try to make up for lost time."
I still don't see story??
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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I'M QUOTED IN SOMEONE'S SIG!!!
Patience, Isaiah, patience. I'm trying to get a few chapters ahead so I can actually play some this evening.
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-Isaiah-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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No play! Play is suk! Story is l337 pwn
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Dark-Bow_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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How many Chapters are to this story yet? Just one?
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WitchHazel_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Bump Nudge... hint hint.
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Grey_Mouse
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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I have seen the next two chapters of this story and they are cheese.
Soo good in fact that I may over look Pod's current Sig and not bite him a new one if I ever get home from work today.
If anyone knowa how fun moving servers between racks is, you can sympathize.
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Battle Mouse Mouse Hegemony Ruler.
AC1, AC2, HZ, UO, EVE, AO, WOW: Retired.
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FyreOfSolclaim_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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so i skipped ahead instead of reading 200 posts, can someone tell me what happened? did they have sex? did clark and juan and benito have a threesome?
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Part XXI - Chivalry and Lunacy.
Had the Crocodile Hunter been popular at the time, I certainly would have relished the temporary fantasy of being a thickly accented Britishman along for the rough ride through the Outback searching for an extremely rare and venomous snake to chase after with my bare hands and hold dangerously close to my face while explaining how he strikes completely without warning and her venom takes only seconds to incapacitate the victim.
P.S. The parking lot was the Outback and Emily was the snake. And I had a cool red beard and one of those really big and therefor really useful Swiss Army Knives on my belt.
I turned off the car. Enough dreaming, it was time to pay the piper.
I got out of the car.
I walked around the car.
I opened Emily's door.
Emily got out.
I closed Emily's door (making sure to lock it, as one can never be too careful!)
I turned and took three steps.
I looked to my left.
I looked to my right.
I turned around.
There Emily stood, arms folded and with an agitated look on her face! Obviously confused, I cocked my head to the side and said, "Yes?"
"You're supposed to stand on this side, " [points to her right side], "Put your arm like this," [crooks her left arm], "and I put my arm like this," [pantomimes putting right arm through my left, linking elbows], "and we walk that way!"
WHAT THE *moderated by Zaronji*!!! Who in holy *moderated by Zaronji* would be so *moderated by Zaronji* daft as to conjure up a *moderated by Zaronji* *moderated by Zaronji* so *moderated by Zaronji* as THAT???
[Editor's note: Common practice in a typed medium to indicate shouting is to use all capital letters. For readability sake, however, we are presenting the following lines in proper English grammar, and leave it as an exercise to the reader to transpose the meaning of the author's words onto the image of a flushed, raving lunatic, arms flailing about in an attempt to convey utter frustration with the subject of the narrative. The popular Chris Farley character "Matt Foley, the Motivational Speaker" is recommended as an example.]
<shout=on>
Here we have someone who is so obviously ignorant of societal norms of courtesy, decency, and sanity when applied to herself that even Martha Stewart would cuss, and she has the audacity to demand that I conform to some fanciful chivalric code that she has baked up in the twisted psyche of a self-aggrandizing lunatic!!!11!!!1
<shout=off>
"You're serious?"
And thus we had an Emily Moment. The heat of the setting sun grew cold as light no longer traveled in linear progression through time and space. Technically, the universe achieved pure darkness at this point because light waves no longer struck matter particles. But the frozen perception of reality in the human mind, its awareness anchored in the vector of 4 dimensions, believed that all proceeded as normal, the cogs of the cosmic continuum churning ever on.
But we were at a stand-off. She, in a half-akimbo stance, me, in a deceptively relaxed posture, concealing the rising tension in my muscles as primitive instinct drove me to spring forward and attack as would a panther, or recoil and bound off through the suburbian thicket as would the gazelle.
I stepped forward, swiveled around, and linked arms.
*sound of whip cracking*
*sound of whip cracking*
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panzerschlep
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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OMG!!! I love the crack of the beastlord's whip. MORE!MORE! We demand MORE!!
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Mandulum_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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need......more......
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Aerlinthian
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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o\/\/ned
LOL
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-Shaba-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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After this date how long did it take you to try another one? This sounds like a blind date I went on once. I've never been on a blind date since.
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Umm...I actually DID go out with Angelica the following Saturday, which was just...heavenly. A year later I went on a sort-of blind date with my eye doctor's daughter. He and my mom talked me into it, but I made the call...that one went MUCH better than this one, though. I think it was another year after that before my next blind date, then about 2 and a half years, then another year and a half. Then another 6 months...which brings us to the present, hehe.
I think every time I go on one, I convince myself that I won't do it again, and it takes me about a year to forget.
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Shadymilkman_mage
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Is Emily's last name still McBael'Zharon?
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Patience, Shady. You have to wait for the Epilogue for that.
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Mandulum_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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epilogue....if you're gonna get there than get writing...i'm going to bed, but i better see MUCH more chapters when i get back!
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Damage_Undone
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Ugh, I shouldnt have read this. Now I'm hooked.
In the loud screaming voice of Chris Farley:
"FOR GODS SAKES, MORE CHAPTERS!!11!!1!!!"
For some reason, while scrolling through page seven, I said to myself, "Damn, I bet this wont be over by the time I reach the last page." I was right.
MORE MORE MORE! Please... ?:|
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-Shaba-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Almost time for another chapter?
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IshidaKen_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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*ATTENTION ALL MINDLESS DRONES WHO BELONG TO MICROSOFT THROUGH THE USAGE OF THE PROGRAM "ASHERON'S CALL"*
THE MAN KNOWN AS Podunkmer HAS BEEN TERMINATED, HIS WRITING SKILL AND USAGE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE HAVE BEEN DEEMED OVER THE ACCEPTABLE MIND-SLAVE LIMITATION RATIO. FORGET ABOUT THIS INDIVIDIAL, AS HE WAS A REBEL TO THE MATRIX KNOWN AS THE MICROSOFT EMPIRE. CONTINUE "PLAYING" "ASHERON'S CALL" TM AS YOU NORMALLY WOULD, AND FORGET ALL AB-
*ATTENTION ALL MINDLESS DRONES WHO BELONG TO MICROSOFT THROUGH THE USAGE OF THE PROGRAM "ASHERON'S CALL"*
THE MAN KNOWN AS IshidaKen HAS HAS BEEN TERMINATED, HIS WRITING SKILL AND USAGE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE HAVE BEEN DEEMED OVER THE ACCEPTABLE MIND-SLAVE LIMITATION RATIO....
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Shadymilkman_mage
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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uh...
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IshidaKen_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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E.G.
My praise of Podunkmer for his amazing skill in writing. Truly I haven't seen such exquisite......... Word-age since foreverrr..
Just reading thiz poste makks me fel stopyd.
*golf clap for Pod*
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-shaido-
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More please!
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-Isaiah-
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dp ba da fpt cpt dp doh!
I stayed away for a couple hour hope'n to get 2 chapters atleast at once!
PLAY IS SUK! RITE IS R0><0R!
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Damage_Undone
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argh! I thought there was another chapter!!
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Tak_Of_Solclaim
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Bumpity... Off to play Max Payne...
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Podunkmer
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Part XXII - Torment on Wheels.
I hate rental skates.
I loathe them.
I'm not fooled for one second by that spray disinfectant and deodorant they use. I'm not just wearing someone else's shoes, I'm wearing 712 someone else's shoes. And they are made of the absolute toughest leather allowable by law. I want to find the guy that puts knots in the laces, too, just so I can see what a sociopath looks like.
Did I mention that I didn't even like roller skating very much? At least at the time I didn't. I took up in-line skating a few years later, and it's *the* bomb, but I definitely felt an ominious portent that this evening's activities would be *a* bomb.
On the plus side, I looked around and verified that we were definitely the only ones present in the 14-34 age bracket. My horrible secret was safe. All that remained was to go in circles for an hour or so until she was tired and wanted to go, then I would be free.
Or so I thought. What ensued was a non-stop battle of wills and wiles. She was intent on holding hands as much as possible, and not one, not two, but THREE times she went up to the DJ to specifically request another slow song, in addition to the standard mix. And that moron must have misinterpreted my head-shaking and glares as the go-ahead to play back-to-back Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, and Tim McGraw. Curse him, cowering behind his protective plexiglass. If I thought I could put my skate through both his podium shield and his face, I would have. Maybe I could at least cut myself badly and end up in the hospital.
But to be honest, I was not entirely opposed to holding hands, as long as it was her left hand. For over an hour I tried and tried to filch my ring off her finger. I think she caught on after half an hour or so, because she would always approach my on my left side, or would hold my hand tight enough that I couldn't maneuver my fingers.
Rats.
And I was getting blisters. Did I mention I hate rental skates?
9:00pm.
"So, you about ready to head out?"
"No, we've still got 30 minutes of free skate left, silly!"
Cue Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt. Oh the pain...
Then, just when I thought things couldn't get worse, I realized what happaned AFTER open-skate time finished.
Hockey leagues.
They began to come in and get their equipment on, joking and jocking about, punching each other (to warm up their knuckles for the real fights, no doubt) and shouting about the weeks various exploits to their friends.
And looking at me.
I kept a discreet eye on them as I went through the list of my friends and enemies for any known roller-hockey enthusiasts. Fortunately, I was on the other side of town, and what's more, I didn't go to any of the local high schools (this will be important later on, too).
But that didn't mean the arrival of the hockey players didn't affect me. Directly, no. Indirectly, yes. As soon as Emily saw them, she immediately began trying to exploit one of the greatest of human weaknesses. Jealousy. Perhaps in her mind, if she convinced the hockey players that she was MY girl, they would be coaxed into COVETING another man's possession!
She tightened her grip and got EXTRA close. 9:30 wasn't coming soon enough...
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Damage_Undone
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aaaahh, that will hold me for.... 10 minutes.... lol
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Iodin_Blacksun
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hooray for Pod!
Pod's my hero just because he made a reference to Matt Foley
"Say Billy, what do you wanna be when you grow up?"
"I wanna be a writer!"
"A writer?!?! You know what writer's make? JACK SQUAT! You're going to live in a van, down by the river!"
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Can we get one more chapter tonight?
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Damage_Undone
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?:|
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IshidaKen_needs_ign_merge$$$
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3) Emily began doing the "Necktie Walk Up." You know, where they grab one hand after the other up the tie until they get to the knot? I don't know about other people, but I thought that every time they do this in movies, it's the cue for the Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow music to start, if you know what I mean.
omfg, that has to be the funniest thing i've ever read, it made me laugh so hard I smeared my brownie all over my monitor and gash my left hand with the knife i was holding. It took me 15 mins to type this up because of my handicap, but it was oh so funny. Podunker, you are one funny mutha ..... Shut yo mouth!
I was just talkin bout Podunka!
*ed For those of you who dont think that's chronologically possible, I read the post 1 time, but missed that particular part, so when i came back for my brownie, that was when i cut myself =P.... Oh wait, I should be sad =(
BTW someone else is typing this for me
*ed nevermind, why should anyone care =?
Skip this message, i'm getting crazy, too much tylenol
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areia
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May we have another installment please ?
*needs a bedtime story*
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-Shaba-
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We need more!
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Aerlinthian
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"If I thought I could put my skate through both his podium shield and his face, I would have."
Gotta love DJ smite
LOL
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Podunkmer
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I was halfway finished with another chapter when my computer hung. It's alright, I'm sure the rewrite will be better...
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Ragnar_Elder
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NO! It can't stop now, I must read more! lol
Great work btw
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Podunkmer
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Part XXIII - This Part Was Really Boring.
Arms linked *crack of whip*, we proceeded to the car. I hadn't mentioned to her that I needed to go help my older sister get her senior paper for Business Management 412 off her ailing harddrive, but perhaps I should have. That might have prevented Emily from saying, as we approached the car,
"So where to now?"
Now, you and I both know that the answer she was looking for wasn't "You to your house, me to mine." But realize that I was living this *IN* the moment, and lacked the incomparable wisdom of hindsight. I didn't know that the title of this story involved headbutts, or else I might have acted differently. Like forgetting to let her in the car before I drove off or something.
"Umm, I have an idea."
Laugh all you want, I couldn't think of anything better. I was REALLY tired, and this place had good seating.
My old elementary school playground.
We pulled into the back parking lot and started to circle the school, chatting as we went. It was this point in the evening when I really came to a recognition of the fact that Emily was just plain terrible at making conversation. All questions got short answers, very few questions back, kind of like when your dentist talks to you. Now that I mention it, the whole experience was not unlike having teeth pulled.
We managed to circle the school, probably taking a whole 20 minutes. Then she went and sat down on the swings. I think she wanted me to push her, but it's probably a good thing I didn't. A man can be surprised by his own strength sometimes.
Oh CRIPES this was boring...I had finally had enough.
"Well, let's go."
I think she must have been really bored, too, because she didn't protest. So I drove her home.
WHAT???
Yes, you read that right. I drove her home.
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Zenya
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leaving me hanging like this, u are one cruel but very talented writer.
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-Shaba-
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Now what happened when you dropped her off? Time to get your damn ring back!
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Damage_Undone
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Yes yes, the ring, what about the RING?
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Damnit, now I'm gonna have to play while I wait for more.
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-Gladiac-
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Man I was expecting this to be over by now...
He is trying to kill us. How long is this thing going to be? We need the rest of the story; this is just too cruel.
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Cinbar
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PoD.......very well written, fairly entertaining, but,,,,,,,,
for the rest of you that are hanging on every pixie, waiting for the next chapter........... ......
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Cinbar is suk! Cinbar is sukie suk! Shut up cinbar you are suk!
"I drove her home." *starts getting ansy* Do you go sleep with the angel now? huh? Huh? huh? ???
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-Sif-_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Doh! I noticed this thread when it had 3 replies and didn't look at it. The title didn't "catch" me. I almost read it at about 90 and again at 150'ish. Since it was at the top of the front page when I got off work this morning and a little over 200 I figured I should see what it's all about...
I do pray you will conclude it tonight, Podunkmer...
Or very early tomorrow morning...
I have to leave town for 3 weeks tomorrow morning at 6:00 am...
AND IF I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS BEFORE I LEAVE, I WILL GO ABSOLUTELY NUTS WONDERING HOW THE STORY CONTINUES FOR THE NEXT 21 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!
Arrgh! Why did I have to click!?!?
Great work, Podunkmer!
*Applause*
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man i've been here since page 1
and i'm starting to feel like some sort of squatter
actually this is much healthier (mentally) than AC. hmm makes me want to go find a good book
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Podunkmer
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Part XIX - Spineless, Utterly Spineless.
"I don't want to go home yet."
???
"But...we're HERE."
And we were. Right in front of her mailbox. 30 feet to freedom. If I was smart, I would have just opened the door, pushed her out, and drove off, then she would have been obligated to slither the remaining 22 feet herself (yeah, I would have pushed HARD.)
I turned off the car.
My hand was on my door latch. But for some reason, I couldn't open it. I believe I was experiencing the pre-tremors of an Emily Moment, which created an electromagnetic anomaly in my nerve endings, suffocating the axons and impeding the transfer of impulses across the synapses.
"Do you know where my high school is?"
Ruh roh. The reason she asked that question is because I actually went to an early-admittence academy in a neighboring town, so I was only really home for the summer at the time. This was good because I wouldn't run the risk of running into Emily in the halls the following school year. However, I didn't like where her question was heading. There was a kind of Wellesian freakishness about it.
"Umm, yes?"
I should have lied. But hindsight is always 20/20.
"Can you show me where it is?"
"..."
It was the end of July, if my memory serves me right. Now I'm pretty convinced that if I didn't show her where Washerson Kennedy High School was, SOMEONE would. But when passing judgement, I would refer the reader to the disclaimer that precedes Part I.
I started the car.
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DANG U POD i'm addicted! U REALLY SHOULD BE A WRITER, AN EVIL ONE BUT A WRITER. [wink]
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shortround_needs_ign_merge$$$
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This is the best story I have read in a long time. "Bow, Chicka, Wow, Wow!" I am going to use that one. Hope to hear more before I go home from work.
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Manethlyr
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You, Podunkmer, are and evil, evil, little man. And a helluva writer too. Keep it up.
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............. Why are you tormenting us like this? ..............
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Iodin_Blacksun
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ha! it worked! i went to bed hoping for more chapters by the time i got up and i was right! i got 2 chapters none the less!
yes!
and now i need more
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wake up, read posted chapters, back to bed
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º¿º arghhh! I need another fix of pyreal Pod story.
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Damage_Undone
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eh?
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{old}Lyar
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: cries quietly in the corner whispering the words, "Need more story..."
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Podunkmer
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LOL, update soon...oops, that previous story was incorrectly marked as Part XIX when it should be XXIV.
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{old}Lyar
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shift 6
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Go Podunkmer, and to think you may have inspired Eumenides and others to desperately seek out more great material in the form of books. They will likely pale in comparison to your great story though.
Edit: The books will likely pale that is Poor writing there on my part.
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Damage_Undone
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/e goes in to the fetal position as he waits for more.
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areia
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Did soon come and I missed it? I could have sworn Pod said "Update coming soon".
:cries.
:wipes the tears away.
: paces the house and starts more laundry while waiting for more story.
*edit - inserted space between : and p so it didn't say aces anymore.*
BTW - Did I say that I like this? Pod - you're a great writer.
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For the love of god man ...MORE!.
I just read all of it so far and its awesome. Excellent Job Podunkmer.
Man I can't wait on the next installment.
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Dream_Princess
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OK,
fine,
i knew this was a story because i read the first bits.... then knowing he was only adding bits at a time.. i restrained my self mightyly from reading anymore.. as a result, i read from page 3 to here!
UNFORTUNATLLY... its not done!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
aahhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
ok im fine now..
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-Isaiah-
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/me is falling into fits of rage waiting for the next installment!
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{old}Lyar
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Damn it, stoopid nerfed story spawn rate....
And the thread is camped too..
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Iodin_Blacksun
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*looks for his camping gear*
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-Shaba-
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We want more!
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Podunkmer
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*smacks Dream-Princess for 10 points of You fudged up the webpage width damage!*
Oh silly me, did I write an update and forget to post it? How careless...
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Podunkmer
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I refuse to have the layout all screwed up, so I'm not going to post the next update until I this thing up to 12 pages...w00t that got it, ok next update time.
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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah nooooooo!
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{old}Lyar
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it's there
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Podunkmer
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Part XXV - If You Thought The Elementary School Part Was Boring
I'm not really familiar with the layout of George Thomas Martin Bush High School. I had gone there for a while for a math class, but I was just in and out of one building. Emily couldn't have picked a worse tour guide.
So I didn't give her a tour. By this point in the evening (10:15pm now, and I had been up and working since 6:30am), I couldn't give a bald monkey's left gonad about what she wanted. Unfortunately, the school was only graced with a duck pond, which did in fact feature a number of bald ducks (allegedly plucked by the cross-town rival high school's glee club). And I don't even know if ducks HAVE gonads. I really wished there were a monkey there though. Or at least a lemur. All I had was ducks. And Emily.
I had parked near the pond, got her door, and as conspicuously as possible, started walking WITHOUT offering my left arm in the aforementioned crooked position. I also didn't look back this time. This was war.
Goodness knows what we (she) talked about after this point. I just sat down on the corner of a stone bench by the pond and let the mosquitos bite me. I even tried to use that as an escape at one point.
"Well, I'm getting chewed up pretty good by the mosquitos, what about you?"
"Oh, no, I'm fine. They must not like the smell of my body lotion or something."
Or maybe they just prefer human flesh over she-daemon incarnate! She didn't get up! She repostured her seating to indicate her intentions of getting comfortable! TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME! I assumed the "I'm Meditating" stance. Having been a long-time churchgoer and college student, I had perfected it almost to an art.
The head is carefully cradled with the hands, elbows resting just above the knees, which are placed slightly more than shoulder-width apart. The trick is to place one hand so as to obscure the mouth, the other in a shading-of-the-eyes position. Both are calculated to serve a two-fold purpose. The Mouth Covering both muffles the snoring and acts as a first barrier against the inevitable Drool Puddle. The Eye Shading both facilitates relaxation by filtering out light, and also serves as an effective deception to convince the casual observer that you are in fact pondering some universal truth, or tomorrow night's calculus homework.
I dozed off, I think. I'm pretty sure she just kept talking. Or maybe not. The massive amount of coagulants that were injected into my bloodstream in that short period by the mosquitos must have had an adverse reaction on my hypothalamus, impeding the solidification of short-term memories to long-term.
Even a rousing harmony of "True Colors" would have been a welcome respite at this point.
"Ok let's go."
I came to, looked at my watch (10:45pm) and decided that I had had quite enough adventure for the evening. I thought the most difficult task ahead of me was helping her up and getting her to walk fast enough to the car.
Amazing how a fool thinks he can determine his destiny, isn't it?
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Damage_Undone
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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aaaah.....
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Kunderu
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"Or maybe they just prefer human flesh over she-daemon incarnate!"
That is hilarious. Very nice work Pod.
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-Isaiah-
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: giggle
Or maybe they just prefer human flesh over she-daemon incarnate
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Tadesha_
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bump
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Woss
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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The first few parts I read weren't too intresting but after seeing how many posts were here I decided to read them all. Of course I got hooked on it. Now I need more! free bump from the most famous person on Solclaim.
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Podunkmer
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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It's the Soap Opera effect. When you get down to it, the story is just plain ridiculous and terrible. But because of embellishment, curiosity, or pure stupefying boredom, some people start watching. Then more people watch, then more. Then you get advertisers, then you make up some rigged award ceremony. Suddenly you've got a 14 share on Nielsen at the 1pm spot and Susan Lucci is dropping hints all over about getting a piece of the pie.
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Tadesha_
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Enough of the delaying tactics Pod, Post more!
Or at least PM me the next 4 chapters in advance again
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Manethlyr
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When do we get another installment?
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Grey_Mouse
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Yeah Right you silly Qld'er!
Pod knows that if anyone gets chapters before the mouse does, he will die a horrible death
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Battle Mouse Mouse Hegemony Ruler.
AC1, AC2, HZ, UO, EVE, AO, WOW: Retired.
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-Isaiah-
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*cough* POST MORE *cough*
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areia
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*makes the cutest puppy dog eyes a person could imagine*
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Tadesha_
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Hmmmm cockroaches and mice????
Seems everything that goes *SQUISH* under the heel of my boot comes from south o' the border
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Dear Silly Qld'er.
From the feel of your posts, one would guess that you have been licking too many cane toads!
At least we are amusing ourselves at work hey?
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Tadesha_
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Haha yeah
Oh? How did the rack swap go?
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--wonko--
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tag
I accidently hit this link and am now hooked
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Grey_Mouse
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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About as fun as you would expect Tad.
Didn't bleed too much this time.
Just been told I have to play the rack game next weekend
When I asked my boss for time in lieu, she laughed at me >:(
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Tadesha_
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LOL
There's your problem mate...... when I asked the boss for time in lieu SHE laughed at me
/e ducks and weaves the incoming barrage from the Femi-Nazi's
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areia
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*rolls her eyes*
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IshidaKen_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Damn Pod, this story beats the time I- [Edited by Zaronji "Ok, thats just sick IshidaKen, never ever post anything like that ever again"] And the next morning I woke up with the gun in one hand and the gorilla on top of me!
*BAh! can't I tell a story too?! O well, gj pod man.
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Archmage_Tsaeb
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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F* me up the goats a$$!
where's the rest?!
let's make a deal, tell the rest of the story NOW and MAYBE I'll spare your life?
what do you say?
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Grey_Mouse
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Don't make me bite you Tad!
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-Clod-Vhp-
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Hey hey hey, post 300
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-Shaba-
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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I leave for the day and this is all I get. Where is the next chapter? We want more!
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Protoh_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
this post was started a few days ago and i just saw it tonight about 20 minutes before i planned to go to sleep, and now, i wont get a good sleep, and i wont enjoy tommorow, and its all your fault podunk.....
bleh
nice story btw
(arent mormons from utah?)
-me
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{old}-ToiletDuk-
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Pod, you are an ass for posting this one smidgen at a time. You should have written the whole thing, just posted the first chapter, and then linked to a website where we could all read the story in its entirety without all this nail-biting waiting for the next riveting installment.
You magnificent bastard!
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-Aladar-
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Please remind me not to troll the other servers boards? Pretty please? Look at what happened..I think I'm more addicted to this then to AC...
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panzerschlep
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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/me taps foot impatiently....
Ok, where's the rest?
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IshidaKen_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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GRRRRRR! I need something to keep my mind off the Bug troubles in the sub, I still disagree with Keyoke, but only time will tell who is right and who is wrong!
Btw, good job podunk, i'm just a little angry right now >:(
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-Full-Collapse-
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Holy crap! I just spent a good half hour reading this thread and I'm [moderated] hooked!!! Post more!!! I need to feed my recently acquired fix!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *implodes*
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Suzette_SC
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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tag, i was hoping i wouldnt get to an unfinished end of this post =(
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dEOS_SC
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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You know what...
I am proud of our server guys!
So much great people! Not that other servers are worse, but we definetly got quality people here!
I suggest that we flood podmunker with trade notes everytime we see him. Just give him the trade note and recall away so he can't give it back. Cheese, siks or shards will do too [in accordance with your level]
The guy seems to be one hell of a guy.
It's a normal thing that all girls want to sex him up, they have a sixth sense for great husband potential.
Bump
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{old}starkids
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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podunkmer ya story rulz bumps for you
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_Mx_
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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damn waiting periods....i went cold turkey on w/e and almost went nuts
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Grey_Mouse
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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DON'T GIVE POD CHEESE! GIVE IT TO ME!
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MageIbnWindraven
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Clearly, none should mis this.
A free bump for Pod. Pod, we need more. Soon.
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{old}Aeson_On_Solclaim
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Oh my god I'm an addict..................
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-Hokanu-
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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he is indeed evil_incarnate himself
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-Crazyfool-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Pod, stop playing/sleeping/working or whatever the hell you're doing and write more story! I'm at work and its sooooo boring, I'm gonna need at least 1 chapter an hour to keep me sane...
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Podunkmer
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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"I suggest that we flood podmunker with trade notes everytime we see him. Just give him the trade note and recall away so he can't give it back. Cheese, siks or shards will do too [in accordance with your level]
The guy seems to be one hell of a guy.
It's a normal thing that all girls want to sex him up, they have a sixth sense for great husband potential."
dEOS now gets advance copies of the story too. I'll even overlook the misspelling of my name.
Ok, last night I logged off at 10pm my time with the intention of finishing this up and cleaning all my crap before I pick up my mom today at the airport, then I promptly fell asleep until waking up on the floor at 3:22am. I didn't feel like writing at that point. :/ I'm heading to work in a bit, so the next update should be within two hours.
Just to be mean, I will tell you that there will likely be only 2 more chapters, then the 2 epilogues.
Oh, and I'll be REALLY mean and tell you what the next chapter's title is:
"Why Is Her Father Standing on The Porch Like That?"
MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh man I need some Pop-Tarts...:(
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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gha! give us story !!! can't wait to read!!! father kicks her's butt or what?? c'mon!!!! POST! POST!POST!
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-Hokanu-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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/e spontaneously combusts from sheer frustration...
Spontaneous Combustion Burns you SO crispy that even the Lifestone Gasps!
....m..ore... story....
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_Mx_
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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page 2??? page 2???!!!! where the hell is the rest of the story?!?!
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Jorthan_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Podunkmer – I don’t know what you do for a living but you should seriously consider a career in comic writing. This is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while and I can’t wait for the rest.
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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LOL, I'm a software engineer. I've seen what happens to comic writers...I'll probably just stay here in my little nerdvana, basking in the glow of my fluorescent light, warmed by the heat of 4 workstations, and cooked to a nice golden finish by my 20" Trinitron.
I get free hot chocolate though!
EDIT: Next chapter coming along slowly...I'm feeling rather unfunny this morning.
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Archmage_Tsaeb
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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POST POST POST POST!!
NOWWWWWWWWW!! GRRRRRRRRRr
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-Anomie-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Back in your veal-fattening-pen and write, comedic slave o' the board!
-----signature-----
Imowyn, level 14X bazooka Anomie, level 10X bazooka in training (still)
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_Mx_
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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*casts funny writing VII other on Podunkmer*
*cast comic spirit VII other on Podunkmer*
hope this helps
now write and most of all POST!
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Ok here goes...8 minutes before staff meeting, I'm gonna try to hammer it out...
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{old}Otkarl
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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ACK!
I even went out of town this weekend...hoping...praying...shivering in cold sweat...waiting for the end. And now,....I must WORK! NEVER!
must...
camp...
thread....
btw, kudos to yudos Pod, been here since page one, and have offically fried my synapses from frustration induced hysteria. Keep up the Good Work
*edit*(oooh look! a shiny gold star...now where did THAT come from?)
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Jorthan_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Damn staff meetings....... <G>
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Spaztik
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Write damn you!!!!!!!!!!
er...I mean... I am so taken by your witty banter that I would very much appreciate another humorous chapter........ NOW DAMNIT NOW!!!
ARGH!!!!!!!
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Niobe-SC
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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geezus, Im so hooked on the story, that every time I notice that there's been another post on this thread, I have to click in and check it out, hoping that it's another chapter!
-----signature-----
And those who were seen dancing were thought
to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
--Nietzche
All those typos that Laris posts are simply repressed sexual urges.
--Taomagicdragon
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Spaztik
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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*wraps belt around arm*
*taps for a big ol fat vein*
*inserts needle of bliss*
*screams in agony*
I NEED PODUNK!!! THIS SUCKS!!!!!
----- to whom it may concern......
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Spaztik
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Hey Niobe... Fooled ya again!
MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Damn I don't think crack is even this addictive.
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Part XXVI - "Why Is Her Father Standing on The Porch Like That?"
We pulled up and I started to get out of the car when I noticed the front door opening and her father stepping out, silhouetted by the soft iridescence of antique lamp-light.
Uh oh.
He was in his late 40's or so, and a bit on the portly side. Hmm, yeah, I could take him. I'm young and fast. And weasly. I could tire him out and then the fight would be cake. Emily would be a different matter entirely though. I would have to let her throw the first punch probably.
"YOUR MOTHER CALLED. SHE WANTS YOU TO CALL HER AS SOON AS POSSIBLE."
God bless mothers. I've been 8 time zones and an ocean away and my mother has sent my most favorite flavor of cookies in the mail with perfect timing, to arrive at the end of a hard day. I've been 1200 miles cross-country and she FedEx'ed me my social security card "Just in case you need it"...two days before I got my first job, without her knowledge. And now, as the bachelor son living farthest away from home, she likes to visit me (tonight) and clean my apartment, go grocery shopping for me, and try to hook me up with her friend's daughters.
:/
Well okay, mothers are MOSTLY great. But holy hallelujah, she had impeccable timing with this one. It turns out that I hadn't told her that I was planning to go directly from work to pick up Emily, so my mother began worrying when she didn't hear from me, and had called Emily's home to see if I was okay. 3 times. I personally never worry about anything, because my mom worries enough for the two of us.
"Oh darn, I'd better get home quick then, huh."
Her father had stepped back inside after delivering his message, so this was directed at Emily. I walked around, got her door, and we headed up the walk, preparing for...
THE FINAL CONFRONTATION!!!
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{old}Aeson_On_Solclaim
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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more more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Archmage_Tsaeb
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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YES YES YES!!! time to read! ehheehehehe
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Spaztik
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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aaahhhh
Got my fix....but...must...have..more!
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Archmage_Tsaeb
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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NOOOOooo dont kiss her!!! you'll be forever doomed! entraped within her slimmy being! she's gonna suck you soul! arf! where's the rest?! hehe
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Jorthan_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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At this point I hope you said “screw the ring†and ran for the car……..
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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*winks at Solkanari*
Who wants me to post the next chapter?
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Dyln
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Poddy, for the love of all that is holy and pure, end my agony please?
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ConstantineSC
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Post the next chapter! I want headbutts!
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Tak_Of_Solclaim
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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One... more... chapter!!!!!
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Oh whoops, did I say there were only 2 more chapters?
It's just too saucy, I had to drag it out a bit. >:)
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Iodin_Blacksun
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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*starts chanting*
Podunkmer! Podunkmer! Podunkmer! Podunkmer! Podunkmer! Podunkmer! Podunkmer!
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Tadesha_
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Tease bump
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Spaztik
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Holy slipped down to page 2 batman!
Bump Diddy Bump
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Protoh_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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bump
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Dream_Princess
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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You slapped me!!!!
but uhmm thats ok ill let ya get away with it, because....
your gonna POST MORE STORY NOW, right 
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Mandulum_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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POST MORE ALREADY....:)
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-satansmurf-
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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argh.. more?
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Banning Bump.
You'll never know when it will be a bump or an update, MWUAHAHAHAH!
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-satansmurf-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Hey! no teasing!
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{old}Lyar
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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^ 10
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-Crazyfool-
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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more! more! more!
please?
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_Freeside_
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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I....must....read....more.....story.
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_Freeside_
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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I am tapping my veins now. Look what you have made me become.
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_Freeside_
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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I have now taken my belt off and sinched it around my arm. I see a vein now. Help me out pusher...er...Podunkmer.
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Damage_Undone
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Ok nows where you say "Ok can I have my ring back now?" if she refuses, then say "Ok GIVE me my [moderated] RING BACK NOW YOU EVIL SADISTIC TOOL OF THE DEVIL!"
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ht_swift
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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This Thread kicks ass!! You are the best pod! I think we need to start a podunkmer fan club!! He's that good. I've been with this story since day one, and its only gotten better! Keep up the good work, and i want more story!!!
please!
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Spaztik
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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END IT!!!!!!!!
My food will be here soon and I must have closure damnit!
CLOSURE!!!
UGH!!!!!!!
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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I like to give preference to my advance-copy crowd, but none of them are reading their PMs at the moment, and it appears that some of you are standing outside your office window ready to jump if I don't post another, so here goes...
---------------------------------------------
Part XXVII - Standoff
Whoops did I edit out the story after leaving it up for one minute? Wow, that's mean...
You have 10 minutes left to edit your message.
You have 6 minutes left to...aww fooey...Tiler's scream of pain just got to me, I guess.
----------------------
Part XXVII - Standoff
"I had a great time tonight, Clark."
"I'm glad you did."
Wow, the first time I actually said what I was thinking all evening. I'm afraid the malice was lost on her though. But boy oh boy did I feel good after that one. The whole hair dyeing and demon flesh lines were good, but they were too blatantly cruel for my mild-mannered Clark Kent demeanor. (No, that's not my real last name. )
"We should do something again sometime before you go back to school."
"We'll see!"
By golly, she would get the hint if I had to dodge every question, committment and comment possible.
"So, can I get my class ring back now?"
It wasn't so much the fact that it was a $90 ring. I knew where she lived, and her parents seemed like decent enough people that it's not like she was stealing the thing. And I didn't even wear it all that often.
But it was principle.
No, more than principle, this was tradition.
I'm not sure how it goes in some parts of the world, but where I'm from, if you have in your possession another person's class ring, you officially own them. You are boyfriend and girlfriend. You are "going together." It made both of you off-limits to anyone else.
It was committment.
And I had been tricked.
I didn't realize it at first, but throughout the course of the evening it became clear to me that Emily planned to take a trophy home with her tonight. I did NOT want that trophy to be my ring and therefore my soul. But I wasn't well prepared at all for what came next.
"Only if you kiss me goodnight first."
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{old}Xao_Xing
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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As the great Homer Simpson would say....DOH!!
wonderful read so far
Edit: LOL, Glad I got to read it
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_Freeside_
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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That was pure evil. It's like if I bought a bag of weed from you only to get home and find out it was pencil shavings
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-satansmurf-
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Hah! I managed to refresh while it was still up!
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Damage_Undone
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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aaaaaaahhh, relief.
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Spaztik
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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someone is fishin fer an ol fashioned ass whoopin!
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Damage_Undone
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Argh! A kiss, the devils poison is upon you! Quick, grab your swiss army knife and lop the finger off! To the Green Ranger Pod!
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Podunkmer
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Error: To prevent spamming, you cannot send more than 5 unread messages to another user.
That little rat needs to get on and read some PMs, or else this thing will never get finished.
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Suzette_SC
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Pod, doesnt your dying public need the advanced copies as well? We are your faithful readers an supporters
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El-Antiguo
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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just post the ending already..
screw the other guys!
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Well, if meta says so (just because he tried to help me get the SoLL infusion one day)...
--------------------------------------------
Part XXVIII - WAR!!!
"Ummm, no."
"Why not?"
"Because."
"Because why not."
"Because I said."
"Because isn't an answer."
"Can I have my ring back now?"
"Why won't you kiss me goodnight?"
"Umm, no."
"Why not?"
Honest to goodness, I remember every last word of this conversation. 6 years later, I still remember what the friggin' porch looked like. She had a pink blouse on, and a white skirt. And leather sandals. And little gold ring pierced earrings. And straight blonde hair, collar length, pulled back behind her ears. To this day I remember every microsecond of the roughly 1 minute and 22 seconds I spent on her doorstep.
Just 1 minute and 22 seconds? But it seems like an eternity already! You say. Yes my friends. This wasn't just an Emily Moment. This was an EmilEternity. Continuous Emily Time. Few people have actually survived even 10 seconds in Emily Space. How I survived 8 times that long is a true scientific mystery. But then again, we have so little understanding of dimensions above the 5th or 6th, and she seems to operate in numbers 13 through 18.
It was truly dizzying. Only the fact that I maintained an utterly amazed attitude at her audacity allowed me the ability to remain afloat.
"I don't kiss on the first date."
Bite me. The only way to gain tactical advantage over the spawn of Satan is to climb the moral high-ground and rain down righteous indignation!
"Oh, but it's just a little goodnight kiss."
"Not for me. Kissing means something important. A first kiss is the beginning of a relationship, and it's not something I want to do with you right now."
Escalation. I made it personal. The ball was in her court now. Without getting really dirty, I was out of trump cards in my sleeve. If she upped the ante, things could get ugly.
"Ok, well just a kiss on the cheek then."
Check.
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Dyln
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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OOOOHHHHH, the horror.
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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This is your warning:
Camp this thread NOW. I'm leaving for the airport to pick up my mother in less than 30 minutes. I may not have computer access for *gasp* 15 hours because I'm moving all my crap. So If you are all well behaved (screaming raving panty-throwing maniacs), I just may post the whole friggin' thing.
Yes, it's finished.
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Jorthan_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Run, run - while you've still got time!
(I realise that this was six years ago but it's the principle of the thing)
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Jennikka
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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pleeeeeeeeease!!!!!!!
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MaidenT
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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ok I have refrained from responding Pod... but i have to now
1) i post a link to this thread to my monarchys message board.
2) my boss now hates me for introducing this thread to her....
3) im not getting ANY work done....
4) my refresh button is getting worn out...
5) i even read OUTLOUD this entire post.. from page 1 to someone and got them hooked!
6) im broke.. i cant offer you more but i did give you more addicts!
7) im a mom, i speak mom... i will speak to your mom... teasing and taunting others is a mom punishable offense....
please... post more
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_KidKodiak
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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wow, its the freakin' energizer bunny of posts! Lets see this one top zaronji's general chat post
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Taranis al'Sidhe -- Battle Mage Extraordinare Monarch of The Family Reborn Time to fight crime in tight leather outfits! -- Mistress Shay Its all about the CliKKâ„¢ ~*~ Now accepting virgin sacrifices ~*~
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-satansmurf-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Pretty, pretty please?
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-Crazyfool-
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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post it! post it! post it!
pretty please with cherries on top?
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Podunkmer
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Now that's the kind of groveling I like to see!
---------------------------------------------
Part XXIX - BATTLESTATIONS!!!
The scene is akin to a submarine control room. Young men in uniform, cleanly cut and shaved, man their stations with obvious tension. To the side, a middle-aged gentleman pores over a radar screen. He bears stripes on his sleeve, and the weight of leadership on his furrowed brow.
[Enter a flustered shipman, wrinkled paper in hand.]
"CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN! Urgent communiqué just arrived from High Command. Sir, I think you'd better read this!"
Worry in his eyes, the captain snatches the memo from the lieutenant and scans quickly. A ghostly pallor sweeps over his face, as he lets the page slip from his hands to the floor.
"This...can't...be..."
"Yes sir, just arrived."
Grabbing the inferior by the collar, the captain erupts into fury.
"BOY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MESSAGE SAID???"
"SIR NO SIR!"
"IT SAYS THAT YOUR PRETTY LITTLE MOMMA MIGHT BE CRYING OVER A CEDAR CASKET COME TOMORROW NIGHT!!!"
The captain releases the quivering soldier, who cowers back to his station.
"PATCH ME ON A DIRECT LINE TO HIGH COMMAND!"
"Sir?"
"JUST DO IT!"
...
"General, I've just received orders. Is this correct?"
"Captain, am I to understand that you do not want to execute the maneuver?"
"Sir, no sir, that's not it. It's just my men are only trained for kissing by books. They've got no in-field experience."
"Well, you'll just have to do your best, won't you?"
"But sir, with all due respect, I thought we were maintaining a cease-kiss policy due to the situation with Angelica."
"Desperate times call for desperate measures, soldier. But just between you and me, I'd rather have given another order, if you catch my drift. And captain..."
"Yes sir?"
"It's war...sometimes...'accidents' happen, you know?"
"UNDERSTOOD SIR!"
A grim determination on his face, the captain seizes the periscope in one hand and the intercom in the other.
"BATTLESTATIONS BATTLESTATIONS!!! THIS IS A CODE RED! CODE RED! THIS IS *NOT* A DRILL!"
The room burst into life, comms lines crackling with ready reports from engineering, communications, radar, gunnery, kitchen...
"Three quarters forward throttle!"
"Three quarters forward throttle, Sir!"
*beep* <--- (Radar blip sound.)
"Navigator thirty degrees right, I want to arc smoothly into this."
"Thirty degrees right, Sir!"
*beep*
"Pull back on that pucker factor, man, we don't want to look like an idiot!"
"Yes Sir! *beep* Dropping pucker!"
"Engineering, status report!?"
*beep*
"Captain, right engine is overheating. It's not putting out *beep* the juice!"
"Navigator, correct for the right engine!"
*beep*
"Yes sir, I can turn in sharper to correct for drift, but we'll *beep* need more speed to make it in time!"
"Understood. Full throttle!"
*beep*
"Full throttle Sir!"
"What's going on? Our *beep* pitch is too steep!"
*beep*
"Sir, the flywheel is *beep* jammed! The extra speed is pushing the *beep* nose down!"
"Drop front *beep* ballast then! We've *beep* got to correct!"
*Beep*
"Already did *beep* sir! It's not *beep* working!"
"PULL BACK *BEEP* FORWARD THRUST *BEEP*!!! FULL *BEEP* REVERSE! *BEEP* ABORT!"
"HE *BEEP* CANNA *BEEP* TAKE MU *BEEP* CH MORE *BEEP* O' THI *BEEP* S!!! *BEEP* HE'S *BEEP* BRE *BEEP* AKI *BEEP* NG *BEEP* UP!!"
*BEEP*
"BRA *BEEP* CE FOR *BEEP* IM *BEEP* PA *BEEP* AAAA *BEEP* AAAA *BEEP* AAAA *BEEP* ACT!"
Ker-thuuuunk! Squimoosh!
Check and Mate.
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Podunkmer
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Part XXX - WILL IT EVER #$(&ING END? MAYBE!
She was as surprised as I was. I had never done anything remotely close to kissing a girl, let alone one I didn't like. And I don't think she had ever been hit quite so hard on the temple when she was expecting a light peck on the cheek.
Honest to goodness, I didn't mean to headbutt her. I was frustrated, tired, inexperienced, and wanted to get the whole thing over with. I would have rather licked a toad (Dad are you licking toads? I'm not NOT licking toads!) than kiss Emily. So my lips naturally recoiled as best they could as I moved in. I was trying not to look her in the eyes, so I was looking at the ground. Pebblestone was prettier anyway. After the initial impact, I sort of rolled back and mushed my lips up against the back part of her cheek.
It knocked her back a bit and she got a kind of wide-eyed expression.
A Clark Conundrum.
Did he give in? Did he mean to give me the Scottich Hooligan Special? Was that a kiss afterward? Does he want his ring still? What do I do?
Sweet victory. Time to drive the nail in the coffin.
I reached down, grabbed her palm with my right hand and pulled my ring right off her finger with my left.
I mumbled a goodbye, turned and walked out to the car, hearing the door open and close when I was about halfway down the walk. I got in, started the car, took the wheel, and took note for a moment how nice my class ring looked...on my own hand.
THE END. (Sort of. I wouldn't stop reading right now if I were you.)
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MaidenT
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theres more? ohhhhhh darnit!
dont make me call your mom!
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Podunkmer
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Epilogue I - Martyr
At a church dance a few weeks later, I was playing wallflower with a few of the other guys until the babes showed up. One of them commented when Emily came in, and the group all snickered. She immediately became the focus of the discussion.
"Look at the size of her nose, man!"
I hadn't really noticed, but yes, it was kind of longish, yes.
"Dude, that jaw is like...huge."
That, however, I had noticed. Emily definitely had a prominent jaw, very ... mannish. I suddenly began to have my suspicions...large arms, above-average height, large nose, thick ankles, prominent jaw...hmm, should probably just put that thought out of my head entirely.
"Yeah, I'm glad Will got off our back about taking her out. He must have found some sucker to do it."
!!!
Will was the guy in charge of the young men's activities. Late 20's, a very cool guy, helped us in our scouting activities, played basketball with us, creamed us mercilessly in paintball, etc. He also took special note that all of the kids felt accepted, especially newcomers. It wasn't unlike him to prod the guys to associate more often with the girls, so we were used to it.
Unwittingly, I had been the fall guy this time around.
"Oh man, you guys aren't gonna believe this, but my sister talked me into going out with her a few weeks ago."
Only the astoundingly repetetive refrains and entrancing beat of Haddaway's "What is Love" broke what would have been an otherwise dead silence in the group of a half dozen 14 to 18-year-old boys.
"Thanks, man."
The others soberly nodded their agreement. Little Timmy, the youngest of the group, haltingly stammered out a question:
"What was THAT like?"
The others stared daggers at the poor boy, but none spoke in open rebuke, still awed into a reverent silence. He instantly cowered away. He would learn, he would learn, in time.
I maintained a stoic gaze outward, ever scanning the bustling crowd for Angelica.
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Podunkmer
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Epilogue II - Matrimony
School began, and I headed out of town. I visited home every month or so, but really didn't ever see Emily much, if at all.
Seasons changed from summer to fall to winter and then to spring again.
I graduated. Woo hoo! I had been accepted to the university of my choice, and was leaving the first with a good GPA.
Things were rolling along smoothly. It was May, and I came home for a lazy summer of working in an airplane repair shop. But that didn't start up for another few weeks.
My mother was putting me to plenty of work though. Funny how repainting the house or recarpeting or rearragning the furniture or anything involving re- always seems to happen when I'm home on break.
Then one day I was in for a little surprise.
"Clark, tomorrow I need you to help me get the decorations from Emily McBael'Zhar ... err, I guess it's O'Bael'Zharon now...her wedding."
!!!
"You never told me about this!"
"Yes, well, they only announced it about two weeks ago."
SCANDALOUS! She still had 3 more weeks of class for her JUNIOR year in high school! From what I heard, the groom was a senior. Emily had just turned 17! We were all absolutely convinced that shenanigans were involved somehow.
I only got to see her briefly, from afar, as I showed up at the end of the reception in jeans and a t-shirt to do the work.
They looked like a happy couple, I guess. We all figured she was knocked up, but as time went on, no little O'Bael'Zharon came on the scene, from what I heard.
I'm not going to say anything about the groom or his family, but to this day I'm not sure which one of them snared the other... Epilogue III further confuses the issue.
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Podunkmer
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Epilogue III - Misdemeanor
(Reconstructed as best as possible from memory. Received in the mail from my mother that fall, after I had moved cross-country to attend university).
Wednesday xx, September 199x - Whattown, Kansebraskontana (She got married in May, remember).
Target [the irony hurts] employee Emily O'Bael'Zharon was arrested on multiple counts of theft last Thursday. Also arrested were her husband, Tom O'Bael'Zharon, and John Doe and Joe Blow. John Doe is cousin to Mr. O'Bael'Zharon, and the legal guardian of Joe Blow.
Target security contacted local police officials when they noticed inconsistencies in inventory and register counts. After an investigation and further surveillance, police made the arrests Thursday.
Mrs. O'Bael'Zharon has been an employee of target for 3 months. On Thursday, Mr. O'Bael'Zharon came to her register with over $100 of merchandise, which Mrs. O'Bael'Zharon first rang up, then voided all but 1 item, valued at approximately $2. Mr. O'Bael'Zharon then handed his wife the $2, then left with all of the items. Following him in line were John Doe, then Joe Blow, both repeating the procedure.
Investigation of records and the O'Bael'Zharon residence resulted in 16 counts of misdemeanor theft against both Mr. and Mrs. O'Bael'Zharon. Mrs. O'Bael'Zharon, 17, was tried as an adult and pleaded guilty on Tuesday and was sentenced to 9 months in the County Women's Correctional Facility. Mr. O'Bael'Zharon pleaded not guilty and was sentenced to 16 months in the County Men's Correctional Facility. Joe Blow will be tried in juvenile court today on 1 count of misdemeanor theft. Mr. Doe will stand trial for one count of misdemeanor theft today.
-----------------------------------------
My class ring has since never seen another finger but my own. :/
THE END. (Really, this time).
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Podunkmer
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*sighs*
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Jennikka
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Anyone have the number for a good rehab?
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A top story – and I still think that you would be better off writing comedy for a living......
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great story ...what ever happened to the date u were suppose to have with the girl u liked? (i bad with names)
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MaidenT
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OMG don't get him started.. we may NEVER play/work/eat/sleep/have sex again!
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Angelica =P
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Damage_Undone
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Wow. I bow before the god of stories, Podunkmer.
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-Crazyfool-
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noooo! the end is worse than waiting for more! What am I gonna do all day at work tomorrow now?????
Great story Pod, you should type it up all pretty and send it off somewhere, ya never know...
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What a sad ending
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Battle Mouse Mouse Hegemony Ruler.
AC1, AC2, HZ, UO, EVE, AO, WOW: Retired.
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-Full-Collapse-
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*applaudes*
Holy [moderated]! That was one of the best stories I've ever read!!!
*bows before Pod*
We're not worthy! We're not worthy!
P.S. What did end up happening with Angelica?
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wow it's finally over
i'm speechless, really i am
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{old}-ToiletDuk-
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Yes, do tell the Angelica story
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Arg where you live? I'll re- whatever your mother wants if you give me more story! You gotta tell us what happened on the date with Angelica!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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-satansmurf-
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:beats Isaiah senseless for messing up the post format...
And a STANDING OVATION!!
Thanks for the story!
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{old}Otkarl
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400 and STILL FEEMING!!!
bumpity ump
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-Isaiah-
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: crawls into a corner and cries himself to eternal sleep from satan's beating
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{old}Otkarl
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Pod,
my hat's off to you good Sir. A well written and expertly told story. May the beast never taint you and my the sun always warm you.
P.S. My boss thanks you for allowing me to work again after 4 days. I however have mixed feelings :P
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areia
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/me sits in silence.
So... How was the Angelica date? or were you too scarred from the Emily date?
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panzerschlep
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Thanks much Pod. The quality entertainment was much appreciated. It's been a long time since I've truly enjoyed a read like that. Maybe it was it's serialized nature that kept me on the edge of my seat. Maybe it was simply the excellent writing. Who knows, but anyway....
/me tips his hat to Podunkmer
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{old}Xao_Xing
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great story Pod
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Dyln
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Standing-O! <Claps and cheers wildly>
Outstanding Poddy!
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i heard an update comeing soon pod...ur public might get angry.... /me sics his dog on pod till he finishes this page
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bumpty umpty
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Gotta bump this back Great read Podunkmer. I actually started printing it out so that I could get my husband to read it as well.
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Podunkmer
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Hmm, the Angelica story...
The Angelica story wouldn't really be funny, I think. Maybe I could make some parts of it funny. Hmm, I probably shouldn't reveal too many details, so as not to spoil the story should I tell it.
But to slake your apparently unquenchable thirst for gossip about a young man and his journey to achieve his heart's desire...I will casually mention that the date in question, the Saturday that followed Emily Eve, would not be my last date with Angelica.
Wait a minute, that's not going to satisfy you at all, is it?
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Niobe-SC
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bah, skip all that. did you marry her?
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to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
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All those typos that Laris posts are simply repressed sexual urges.
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Suzette_SC
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I dont think Pod's married.
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areia
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nope, not satisfied...
*misses having a bed time story*
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Podunkmer
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As Suzette pointed out, the number one reason why the Angelica story isn't funny:
She is married. I am not.
Having thought about it for the last two hours, I can't tell you guys the Angelica story. Why? Not because I want to torture you by leaving you hanging, but it would be torture on myself. Emily was a joke, a one-night adventure. Angelica was an Odessy. Too much real emotion tied in that one to try to write it out at all.
The irony of it all is that Angelica is not her real name; her real name is very unique. So uniqe that I've only seen it one other place in my entire life.
A Solclaimer.
That's right. The character is a level 60's or so female UA. Last I saw her, unsworn and without vassals. A solo. A renegade. In the context of AC, that is exactly how what I would expect of Angelica. I even tried talking to this character a few times, but they weren't very responsive to tells. I figure it's some guy who also had a crush on her and isn't over her either, or it really is her and she would rather maintain her anonymity in AC. It's not like the name Podunkmer reveals who I am. So that whole thing totally messes with my mind.
Ugh, it's late and I'm rambling. Night all. Maybe I'll have another story for you in time. This one may or may not involve a potato cannon. :P
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Spaztik
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Bump Diddy Bump
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-shaido-
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Great story man thanks for sharing it.
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Podunkmer, intreged by the title of this topic, i opened it, and i read the WHOLE thing in one go. You are a GENIOUS! You should SERIOUSLY consider sending that away to somewhere, im sure that could sell...seriously! Well done man, i hope to see you ingame sometime....and i think people would probably agree with me that you are, at least to me, THE most famous char on Solclaim. Bravo!
The General
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dEOS_SC
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Podunkmer[tried to get spelling right this time], thanks for sharing this with us...
Other readers, don't forget about the little tribute to Pod. Trade notes, SIKs and shardage according to your level. All cheese tributes should be directly transfered to Grey Mouse.
Pod, could you tell us in which town on dereth we can find you most often/is the most convenient ?
May the magics of Asheron protect you all.
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The_General_SC
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i just noticed the title again 'Of Blondes and Headbutts...PART 1...does that mean there will be a part 2 ?????
Once again i would like to express my love for you
The General
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AAAAAGH! i didnt notice a Page 17 until i re-read my message!! im afraid you have once again left me on the edge of my seat...i HAVE to know what 'Angelica's' REAL name is.....PLEASE tell us? How long ago did you see this person on Solclaim? is she still likely to be lvl 60??? if so i will not sleep until i have quizzed EVERY lvl 60 UA char on the net!!!! hang on...why am i smiling??? i dont know her name still aaagh! PLEASE tell us!!!
The General
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(no message)
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_Mx_
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damn now i have nothing to keep me busy at work... *crys*
well done Podunkmer this story kicked ass....
keep'em comin'!
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Im sorry, but this message is toooooo good to be on page 4!!! come on peeps! ALL you people who begged and pleased for Pod to give ya these chapters should be bumping this message for at least a few days!! Together we can give the fame (on AC anyways!) that this guy deserves!
The General
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I'll give it up for the great melodramatic twist in the epilogue. Amazing villain character development with Mrs. O'McB.....
The ending has left me feeling spooky.
Maybe it's just because we are waiting for patch to go through....
At any rate...
Good tale
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tag
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ex Asherons Call
ex Eve-Online
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eumenides_needs_ign_merge$$$
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aww leave him alone about the angelica part
i'm sure he named it angelica for the reason of not mentioning the name
hell i'd love to know too but...
good work podunkmer, you just won't stop with the leaving us hanging by the thread stuff eh?
what is a podunkmer anyways? i figured it was a cross between a pea pod and some kinda wacked out furby
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Furby? Whats a furby?
Well written Pod =)
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Heinz_SC
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Write more.......
OR YOU WILL BE LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!!!!
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Podunkmer
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"Podunkmer" - podunk + mer
Main Entry: Po·dunk
Pronunciation: 'pO-"d&[ng]k
Function: noun
Etymology: Podunk, village in Mass. or locality in Conn.
Date: 1846
: a small, unimportant, and isolated town
-mer : Suffix attached to all nicknames of my family members.
Podunkmer is actually my brother's nickname. I used my nickname, naturally, for my first character, who is a template blademaster now relegated to muledom. Podunkmer, being the second character, took the second name. I only use the name within the context of Asheron's Call. If you see it anywhere else, it's my brother. And why the use of podunk? Let's just say that we use these nicknames for clowning around and for taking out our aggressions on each other in as humorous a manner as possible, so it was only appropriate that I gave my brother a name with some sort of derogatory connotation.
Angelica's real name...umm, sorry. Again, it's a unique enough name that I would like to protect the RL Angelica's anonymity, as well as avoid any undue attention to the in-game Angelica, who seems (from my interactions) to be the solitary type.
And dEOS, I live in Baishi, sell in Heb-To, and you can frequently find me at the standard high-level hunting spots. Except when I'm playing my n00b.
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vn_rhourk
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Very nice Pod. Thank you.
Rhourk
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OmaticRail
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Oh my bloody hell! I can't believe I read all that. I'm just glad I didn't even know about it until it was finished. Got to read the whole thing at once. Thanks Pod, for the entertainment. Work is boring here too.
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-Femme-
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lol MaidenTirrell "im a mom, i speak mom... i will speak to your mom...
teasing and taunting others is a mom punishable offense.... "
i think you scared the last bits out of him
loved the story , glad i didnt have to put up with the agony of waiting for it though,Panzerschlep posted the link on the TD board to read while were waiting for the patch.
bravo Podunkmer but WHAT HAPPENED WITH ANGELICA ??????
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#remerged#_vn_arm-n-hammer
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I must say you have written the funniest story I have ever read. Thanks for the the laughs.
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vn_Ardune
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good show
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-Shaba-
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Wow! That was a great ending to a story. Thanks Pod!
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Spaztik
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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HEAR YE HEAR YE!!!!!!!!
THE ENTIRE STORY!!!!!!!
NO SORTING THROUGH PAGES!!!!
ALL HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://vnboards.ign.com/message.asp?topic=15094532&start=15101647
Please keep it bumped as well as this one so its easier for everyone to read.
Damn I wish the servers would come back up, this is how bored I am! UGH!
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Paladin421
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Hehe interesting story great writing.
KK
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Lysae_needs_ign_merge$$$
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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really nice story
bumped
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Grey_Mouse
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Female UA Character in the mid 60's???
/e looks at her sig....
Something you want to tell me Pod?
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AC1, AC2, HZ, UO, EVE, AO, WOW: Retired.
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The_General_SC
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This story was too good to be forgoton!
BUMP!
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-Greyleaf-
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^
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{old}vn_zoot
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yeah, funny seeing some of the mile-high club (5285+ posts) saying something like "woot! 300 posts!"
Thanks for the bump.
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-Full-Collapse-
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(no message)
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Podunkmer
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Grrrr! Aldor gets 10 minutes timeout for bumping this, lol.
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-Full-Collapse-
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But it's so good!
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-Midnight_Angel-
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Wow. I'd never seen this before and it was good enough to get a bump after 3 months. Took me forever to read but was well worth it.
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Jaafar_al-Saladin
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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How on earth did I miss this when it was occuring
Well done Podunkmer, now I finally understand that sig.
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Cantu_SC
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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An oldie but a goodie. This definitely put good ole Podunkmer on the map
I'm bumping this because Mindy wanted to read it!
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--rahul--
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Tag
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HimuroGemma_needs_ign_merge$$$
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So good! Podunkmer, you've got the gift of good writing and interesting things to write about. Go out with more crazy people so we can read about it.
Great story.
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The_General_SC
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You Gotta love Pod and his troubles :P
Bump once again..for the best post on VN
The General
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ht_swift
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excellent, now and forever!
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-Faile-Bashere-
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bump for old classics
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Retired lvl 126(AC), lvl49(AC2), lvl28(AO), lvl 12(HZ), lvl 49(WoW) Bandits Reborn: http://www.banditsreborn.com My AC1/AO/HZ utilities: http://www.banditsreborn.com/banditutils.htm When 20,000 posts you reach, look as good you will not
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-God-Almighty-
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Classic!
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Archangel_Loki
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awesome tag
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Lagmatic
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yes classic.
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Bou_Te
Title: Etymology: Latin - of the booty
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*bow*
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"thank god for spell check! " ~Lairs Boldsnog CLiKK "far as i know i have a vagina and boobs so no hand jobs here " ~Arlis Bongsold
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tyrynni
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OMG Poddy, that was wondrful, sorry it had to happen to you tho
well its WAY pastmy bed time 4:30am here
hugz and see you IG soon i hope
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JMW111
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Wow, just found this. Excellent work and without a lot of time for proof-reading it seems. You really should think of writing professionally.
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Wenigo
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tag
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{old}The-Sage
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This thread shall never die.
A true classic
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En-tome_Is_God
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(no message)
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I have no sausage and i am gay in Real Life
- Crit
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MiroII
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bump for a great piece of writing
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Yaotl-Falcon
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.
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AsheronsGuide
Title: Everything in Moderation
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^
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Darkfall NA: Dancing Hippo
Retired: AC Darktide - Dancing Hippo / Wicked Sticks
Retired: AC Solclaim - Kickaha / Drunken Madman / Pure Energy
Retired: UO, AC1, AC2, DAOC, SB, AION, AOC, WOW, DDO, GW, HZ, AO, Neo, Q1, Q3, Tribes
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Lazerline
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Legacy Bump 9-05-04
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Ambers
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Legacy Bump 03-27-2005
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Berelain_Paendrag
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Legacy Bump 5-04-2005
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Berelain_Paendrag
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Legacy Bump 6-05-2005
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CutchaGuy
Title: Smells like Hotdogs and Tastes like Bacon
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bump
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(Hotdogs * Bacon)^CLiKKâ„¢ =  Cutcha Guy, Prevan Duckbuttersun - FF and SC Robin Sparkles, Barney Stinson - FF Cutcha, you win with the greatest thread of teh day. - _KidKodiak
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Berelain_Paendrag
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Legacy Bump 8-09-2005
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Berelain_Paendrag
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Legacy Bump 9-06-2005
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Berelain_Paendrag
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Legacy Bump 10-08-2005
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Berelain_Paendrag
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Legacy Bump 11-18-2005
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Berelain_Paendrag
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Legacy Bump 12-07-2005
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Berelain_Paendrag
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Legacy Bump 1-05-2006
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Berelain_Paendrag
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Legacy Bump 2-02-2006
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Berelain_Paendrag
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Legacy Bump 3-02-2006
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Berelain_Paendrag
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Legacy Bump 4-06-2006
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Berelain_Paendrag
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Legacy Bump 5-15-2006
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CutchaGuy
Title: Smells like Hotdogs and Tastes like Bacon
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Legacy Bump 8-1-2006
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(Hotdogs * Bacon)^CLiKKâ„¢ = Cutcha Guy, Prevan Duckbuttersun - FF and SC Robin Sparkles, Barney Stinson - FF Cutcha, you win with the greatest thread of teh day. - _KidKodiak
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Nann
Title: Rack of Nann
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Legacy bump 9/6/06
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Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. RaKK o' CLiKK
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Nann
Title: Rack of Nann
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Legacy bump 10/13/06.
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Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. RaKK o' CLiKK
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Nann
Title: Rack of Nann
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Legacy bump 12/15/06
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Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. RaKK o' CLiKK
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Alleb
Title: Now with Ninja Banstick Action
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Legacy Bump 3/17/07
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http://www.lollercoaster.com/pr0n/ Monarch of the Champions of Asheron. Champion: cham·pi·on ; [cham-pee-uhn] –noun ~ a person who fights for or defends any person or cause; a warrior.
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Alleb
Title: Now with Ninja Banstick Action
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Legacy bump 6/2/07.
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http://www.lollercoaster.com/pr0n/ Monarch of the Champions of Asheron. Champion: cham·pi·on ; [cham-pee-uhn] –noun ~ a person who fights for or defends any person or cause; a warrior.
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Alleb
Title: Now with Ninja Banstick Action
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Legacy bump 7/22/07.
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http://www.lollercoaster.com/pr0n/ Monarch of the Champions of Asheron. Champion: cham·pi·on ; [cham-pee-uhn] –noun ~ a person who fights for or defends any person or cause; a warrior.
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Alleb
Title: Now with Ninja Banstick Action
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Legacy bump 9/15/07.
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http://www.lollercoaster.com/pr0n/ Monarch of the Champions of Asheron. Champion: cham·pi·on ; [cham-pee-uhn] –noun ~ a person who fights for or defends any person or cause; a warrior.
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Alleb
Title: Now with Ninja Banstick Action
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3,118
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Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Legacy bump 12/12/07.
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http://www.lollercoaster.com/pr0n/ Monarch of the Champions of Asheron. Champion: cham·pi·on ; [cham-pee-uhn] –noun ~ a person who fights for or defends any person or cause; a warrior.
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Alleb
Title: Now with Ninja Banstick Action
Posts:
3,118
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Jun 7, '04
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Real Post Cnt: 3,098
User ID: 931,381
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Legacy bump 2/9/08.
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http://www.lollercoaster.com/pr0n/ Monarch of the Champions of Asheron. Champion: cham·pi·on ; [cham-pee-uhn] –noun ~ a person who fights for or defends any person or cause; a warrior.
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Alleb
Title: Now with Ninja Banstick Action
Posts:
3,118
Registered:
Jun 7, '04
Extended Info (if available)
Real Post Cnt: 3,098
User ID: 931,381
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Legacy Bump 4/9/08.
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http://www.lollercoaster.com/pr0n/ Monarch of the Champions of Asheron. Champion: cham·pi·on ; [cham-pee-uhn] –noun ~ a person who fights for or defends any person or cause; a warrior.
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Nann
Title: Rack of Nann
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14,161
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Real Post Cnt: 14,012
User ID: 702,257
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Legacy Bump 7/31/08.
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Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. RaKK o' CLiKK
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Nann
Title: Rack of Nann
Posts:
14,161
Registered:
Jul 31, '02
Extended Info (if available)
Real Post Cnt: 14,012
User ID: 702,257
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Legacy Bump 3/7/09
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Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. RaKK o' CLiKK
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-Foxy-
Title: Moderator
Ãœber Brat
Posts:
110,094
Registered:
May 29, '02
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Real Post Cnt: 107,357
User ID: 683,944
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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bumper crop 08.05.09
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Long suffering vassal to Xarkath, U.P. - Forever and ever
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-Foxy-
Title: Moderator
Ãœber Brat
Posts:
110,094
Registered:
May 29, '02
Extended Info (if available)
Real Post Cnt: 107,357
User ID: 683,944
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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5.20.10
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Long suffering vassal to Xarkath, U.P. - Forever and ever
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-Marie-
Title: Moderator
Gfn's Speelcheker
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User ID: 1,250,984
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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Legacy bump 11th Sept 2010
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Marie the Loyal/Timarra/Sharones When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!" A woman who strives to be equal to a man lacks ambition http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuxS-9t3tnY&fe
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-Foxy-
Title: Moderator
Ãœber Brat
Posts:
110,094
Registered:
May 29, '02
Extended Info (if available)
Real Post Cnt: 107,357
User ID: 683,944
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Subject:
Of Blondes and Headbutts...Part I
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bumper cars!
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Long suffering vassal to Xarkath, U.P. - Forever and ever
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