VN Boards Archive

[VN Boards Archive]

Welcome to the Vault Network forum archive.

This is not a complete archive, time didn't allot us the opportunity to properly backup the majority of the boards deemed "expendable". Most boards on this list have at least 20-40 pages archived (non-logged in pages, 15 topics per page).

Popular boards may have as many as 250 pages archived at 50 topics per page, while others deemed of historical signifigance may be archived in their entirety.

We may not agree with how the board shutdown was managed, but we've done what we could to preserve some of its history in lieu of that.

Please enjoy the archive.
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Topic: Archived Focus On: Eshvanu

murron2 Title: Bloom where you are planted! Posts: 18,309 Registered: Jan 6, '02 Extended Info (if available) Real Post Cnt: 18,004 User ID: 595,429	Subject: Archived Focus On: Eshvanu
	This one also done by Lynea almost 5 years ago to the day Date Posted: 4/12/07 12:38pm Subject: RE: Focus On: Eshvanu - Date Edited: 4/12/07 12:49pm (1 edits total) Edited By: Eshvanu I am old. Over 50 years of age, and that's enough on that subject. So, my story might be a bit longer than other people's on these boards. Hoping this covers most of it. Feel free to ask questions on any aspect. I have nothing to hide any more. I'm not that important. I was born into a dysfunctional Catholic family, and had the the dubious double distinction of being abused by siblings and mostly neglected by parents. Couple that with the hypocrisy of Catholic dogma at the time, and my childhood was a most confusing and mentally damaging time in my life. I was fortunate that I didn't get abused by the Catholic priesthood. I suspect my oldest brother, who was responsible for the majority of the abuse I suffered from my siblings, didn't fair so well and passed on what he learned to me. Oh joy. So, emotionally distant mother who was prone to rages (ever been whipped with a wire coat hanger?), mostly non-existant father who later gambled away most of the family's money, abusives siblings, much neglect at home that led to nutrition issues in teen years, and the Roman Catholic Church's dogma to reinforce that suffering was required for my "original sin". Any wonder I have emotional issues that plague me even today? Funny, though, since I gave up on organized religion I've yet to come across any "sin" that's truly "original". wink However, the early years taught me that stealing, lieing, cheating, hiding, hypocrisy, and other animal behaviors were necessary survival skills. I learned them as well as anyone with an IQ over 150 could. I learned them so well I even learned to hide from, and lie to, myself. Caused some personality splitting that still occurs to this day. Interesting to me that a single identity can have multiple personalities, though. I had thought, until recently, that each personality had a different identity. At least having a single identity makes Integration much simpler, for myself and my therapist. happy Lived in various places in California until I was 20, during the breakup and getting back together my parents went through. Then I ran away from home, again. I ran that last time in part so I wouldn't do to my younger brother and sister what had been done to me. Sounds funny to run away from home at 20, but that's quite honestly what I did. I had been a competitive roller skater since I was 4 1/2, and I had a chance to skate for a competitive club in Oregon. Moved to Oregon, worked a couple of jobs there, skated for a local club for a while, and was introduced to drugs when someone dropped a joint on my customer window, as a "tip". Took off heavily into abusing drugs, and within a year's time was dealing, living with dealers and producers, and finding myself in a most interesting, if often confusing, lifestyle. Spent most of the next 20+ years as an associate of organized crime, with one group or another. Never made the big time, nor did I participate in any of the more destructive aspects or events. Got by, lived and learned, worked at real jobs sometimes. Moved from group to group, and lived at various times with bikers, hippies, junkies, major thieves (e.g. - bank robbers, con artistes), and other types of groups. At one point, even sold circus tickets via phone for several of the "police associations" in the Pacific NW. I was connected, but always on the periphery and seldom with involvement in major activities. Through it all I stayed intoxicated as much as possible. In 1984, between groups and living in someone's back yard, I got a job sweeping floors at a local college. Interesting employment for someone who had the highest SAT scores in his graduating high school class. Funyy thing, though, I put a good bit of physical effort, thoughtful analysis, and organization into the work. They'd never seen anyone like me before, and they liked me. Also, while I was there working nights, the theft losses went down dramatically. Seems having someone in the kitchen and storage areas all night caused people to stop coming around for a midnight snack. That was a turning point in my life, although I didn't realize it at the time. It was the time I decided that thieves were an undesireable part of our society, and when I made the decision to stop being such a person. Took me a few years to realize that as a conscious decision. It was, quite frankly, my first step toward becoming an adult human being. After a year of working nights for the foodservice contractor, I decided there had to be more for me to do in this world than mopping floors and swabbing toilets. So I headed back to college, and got into a vocational-technical program to learn computer operations and networking for mainframe computers and data centers. Did quite well in the program (hey, it ain't rocket science), and during my second year was fortunate to participate in an internship program that exposed me to a couple of Fortune 500 companies. Worked for one as an intern, and was hired by another upon graduation from the 2-year college program. Also while at college that time, I became involved in Shorin Ryu (Shobayashi Ryu) Karate. I have been studying, off and on around injuries, since then. I hold a Brown Belt (7th Kyu), and hope this year to complete requirements and earn a Black Belt. If I'm able to do that, I will look at possibly teaching classes, to share what I have learned and keep the knowledge alive for us. Sadly for me and many other people, one lesson I didn't learn while in college during the 80's was that I may not drink alcohol or abuse other drugs. Even though I'd done so well not drinking or using while in college. Shortly after graduation, I went back into the drug world, through people I already knew. I kept my computer jobs, as there were a lot of people who had money to spend in the computer rooms, and I had access to supply. I most always used more than I dealt, though, and spent a lot of my own money staying intoxicated. Eventually, I lost the job and moved on. That was a pattern I repeated for years. In 1995, while working in one of several government positions I'd held over the years, I dug a deep enough hole that I hit my "bottom". For those who might find themselves in a similar position some day, "the bottom" isn't a single place for everyone. Rather, "the bottom" is the place where the individual stops digging the hole deeper. I stopped digging the hole deeper that year. Cost me another decent job, a car that I'd wrecked while intoxicated, and most all the people with whom I'd begun relationships. Again. To this day, I don't remember how many decent people I've hurt, angered, or otherwise chased away from having contact with me. I do know I dropped at least 8 decent, well-paying jobs for good companies, 5 pretty good cars (including a couple of collectibles), who knows how much money (easily over $250,000), and many years of life, into the endless depths of drug abuse. All in an attempt to get away from the primary problem, which is me the way I was. In 1995, I stopped trying to run away from me, and stopped trying to kill myself in a slow, cowardly manner while abusing drugs (including alcohol). In 1996, after I'd stopped drinking and abusing drugs, everything was wonderful. Yeah... Well, except for being evicted. Oh, and filing bankruptcy. ..and the brief relapses as I struggled with staying sober were kinda nasty, too. Then there were all the people who were afraid I'd testify against them, and they're efforts to knock me down. Hmm... I guess 1996 wasn't such a great time after all. tongue Best I can say is I survived through the bad times. Because of my talents and abilities, I was able to struggle through at a few contract jobs for a couple of years. I've stayed completely clean and sober since September of 1997. Haven't had a drink yet today, either. grin I have been working in the Information Systems field since 1994, in a wide range of positions and environments. Last job I had started in 1999, with a Fortune 100 insurance company, as a technical support analyst. I was transfered from Portland, Oregon, to Denver, Colorado, in 2005. The relocation brought home to me just how badly the company treated me, and my efforts here in Denver to strengthen our team's abilities to respond to customer needs were ignored. Worse, I worked myself into a real breakdown, and into a Major Clinical Depression. I quit working for the company in November last year, and am taking a year off to regain my health and redifine my priorities. The breakdown was a good thing, in some respects. I found a doctor that understood what was happening, and we hit the right combination of meds for me on the first try. I "discovered" a pattern of depression in my life, and found a therapist who has helped me learn to cope with those times without using meds. I truly started to "grow up" emotionally, which can be much different from chronologic aging or growing in a work-related field. Hmm... Left out a lot of stuff, I see. Such as climbing rocks and mountains, being in the Red Zone about 5 miles upwind of Mt. St. Helens when it blew on May 18, 1980, watching the sun set on the Pacific ocean, or getting up early to watch the dolphins and sea lions hunting in the surf, wading through 4 feet of snow this past winter in Denver. I left out most mentions of the people I've loved and lost, and the great, patient, honorable people who let me stay in touch even through the worst of my life. Ah! A word on how I got here. In 2000 I started chatting with one of the Unix admins at work. Her AC name is Mistress. Mistress, along with my first patron Ryu Zurui, convinced me to try AC. I started playing Summer of '01, on FF. Posted mostly on the FF board for several years, and occasionally on General board. When I stopped playing for a while in 2005, I started posting a bit on ACF because FF was kinda boring when not playing on the server. Got more and more involved in posting here, especially after the move from Portland to Denver. Nowadays, as I said above, I'm off work and taking the time I need to get my health back, and improve on my sanity. That latter takes a lot of work, and I've still a long way to go before I reach my goals. I've been riding a bicycle quite a bit, and am slowly making that my main commuter vehicle. I'm planning a return to college in September, although I honestly don't know what program I'll focus on when I do. I have enough money from some retirement accounts to live for a couple of years without working. As part of getting my health back, I've budgeted some of that money to allow me to finish restoration work on my mouth, and have some work done to restore my eyes to 20/20 vision. When I honestly look at my life, I'm a rather boring person with few interests atm. I'm hoping to expand as my health improves, and use the lessons I've learned in life to live better within my chosen community, and perhaps help other people do the same. Some of those lessons I've learned came from people on ACF. Thank you. bow ~~~ Often wonder about Esh and hope he is doing well Truly... ~Murron~ -----signature----- PEACE... it means to be in the midst of noise, trouble and strife and still be calm in your heart.
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Varece Posts: 46,015 Registered: Jan 7, '02 Extended Info (if available) Real Post Cnt: 44,985 User ID: 598,676	Subject: Archived Focus On: Eshvanu
	Board classic -----signature----- I am no longer young enough to know everything Knowledge is Free America's Libraries "You embrace that which defines you" "If you tell the truth, you don't need a good memory" We're not perfect...we're parents
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Sith_Mauler Posts: 24,642 Registered: Dec 21, '02 Extended Info (if available) Real Post Cnt: 24,438 User ID: 750,977	Subject: Archived Focus On: Eshvanu
	dang you must be bored digging that far back into your post history. or is there a archive of them someplace? -----signature----- Well I ain't first class But I ain't white trash I'm wild and a little crazy too I have seen a lot of things in my life time. That is why I walk the line I walk.
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